Wagmonds

Hank has been on fire lately....

2012-02-08T10:04:00.000-08:00

The things coming out of Hank's mouth these days are priceless. At 4 years, 4 months, he is becoming quite the crack up. Time to record a few for posterity:

Me: "hank, can you stop running in circles?"
Hank (changes course slightly, but doesn't slow down): "ok! How about rectangles?"

Hank, over and over again, asked about anything and everything: "why? why? why?"
me: "Hank, honey, I don't know why. Why do you think it is like it is?"
Hank, incredulously: "Mommy, I don't think!!"

Hank (holding up a dinosaur): "This is a t-rex. And this is a brontosaurus. And this is a triceratops. And this is a bracheosaurus. And this is a pteranadon."
Hank (holding up a dinosaur with one horn on its head): "mommy, what kind of dinosaur is this?"
Me: "well, honey, I'm not sure. What do you think it is?"
Hank: "I think it must be a hornasaurus"
(Hank picks up a dinosaur with lots and lots of horns) "and this is a lotahornasaurus".

Checking things out at a neighborhood garage sale,
"hank -- what do you think of that couch?"
"that couch is HIDEOUS!!"

He also says some of the sweetest things I've ever heard. When I arrived home on Saturday afternoon after my pottery class, I was checking something out in the front yard before going in the house. I hear the front door open, and Hank bounces out of the house and across the lawn to hug me. On the way he picks a dandelion and blows all the seeds off. I ask, "Did you get your wish?" He said, "Yes!" "What did you wish for, sweetie?" "YOU!!!"

And did I mention that Becket, not even 9 months yet, learned to climb up the stairs?

Where is the time going? I wouldn't say I have any regrets about how fast this time is going, but I do sometimes feel a little sad about how quickly it is disappearing, and how my experience of this baby is so very different from my experience with Hank as a baby. I wish that I could have replicated that pace and intimacy with Beckett, but there is just no way to do that with an older child in the house. My time with Beckett has been incredibly special in its own right, just a very different experience, over all.

A few nights ago I dreamed about one of my lost babies. It was the little girl, and I've never "met" her* before. Whenever she's appeared to me, she is never living. In this dream we were in a place, maybe up in Tilden Park, and there was a forest fire approaching, and it was clear that we needed to get out of where we were, and fast. Henry and I were gathering our boys up, and a little toddler girl, maybe 18 months old (close in age to what that baby would be, had she made it to the outside), toddled up to us, and kept gesturing to me to pick her up. She had no parents around her. She had fine, curly, blond hair, tired eyes, and was wearing a pink wool coat, similar to a coat that I've seen pictures of myself wearing as a toddler. It became very clear, very fast, that I was supposed to be her mother, but that this was the first time we had seen each other. I took her in my arms, and she did all the things that a freshly born baby does with its mother -- sought a breast to nurse, searched my face for recognition and connection, found it.

*I know that the last loss was a girl, because of the chromosomal analysis.

"Brief" Update

2012-02-03T22:47:00.000-08:00

Just wrapped up bedtime upstairs. Both boys sleep in the same room now, Beckett in the crib, Hank in the loft bed. We moved Beckett out of our room about two weeks ago, at eight months. It was hard for me to do it, but it was time – he was starting to pull up, and he couldn’t stay in the co-sleeper any longer and still be safe. So it was either disassemble the crib and move it into our room, or just bite the bullet and move Beckett into the crib in the Boys’ room. Like I said, it was hard for me to let go of rooming in with Beckett. Bedtime had become my absolutely favorite time of the day – I would take Beckett upstairs, and we would snuggle in the big bed and nurse as long as he wanted, then I would transfer him, fast asleep, to his little bed, and slip out until it was time forus to go to bed. Nursing him down like that was so tender, so sweet, and so personal. I still nurse him down, but we do it in a chair in the boys’ room and it feels different. Still sweet and important, but different. Also, it took a couple of weeks for him to get comfortable with the idea of going to sleep in the crib. There was a lot of crying, and at times it felt very heartbreaking, and I just wanted to bring him back into our room, but we held fast and lo and behold our little baby who would traditionally only sleep in 1.5 hour chunks actually began sleeping all night.

I know. Now that I’ve committed that to writing, it will all go to hell. Well, it has been a nice three days! Ha ha…

There has been another benefit to the room-merge. Hank, who was growing more and more resistant to going to sleep – popping out of his room constantly, demanding snacks, showing up in our bed at all hours – now falls asleep quickly and happily. He seems to love having a little room mate! By and large, Hank really gets a kick out of Beckett. He still calls him Bucket. He loves to hug Bucket. He sings him a little song that goes “I love you, Bucky Boo” that sounds a little like Buddy Holly’s “Peggy Sue”, implores him not to worry, tells him things will be OK when he is crying or getting anxious, shares toys with him. This morning when Hank woke up, he saw that he and Beckett were wearing matching jimmies, and he just about plotzed with happiness – leapt from his bed, got down on the floor with Beckett (who was quickly crawling over to Hank with joy all over his face), and scooped him up for a wiggly little hug. I just beamed. It made my heart feel so warm and happy.

Anyway, so when I leave my boys, tucked safely in their room, both snoozing peacefully, happily, I feel so…. I don’t know. I don’t have the vocabulary to express the emotion I feel. I feel like I am leaving half my heart behind in that room, but I feel good. I feel like my boys know they can count on me and Henry of course, but I think they also already know that they can count on each other, that they are safe with each other. I kiss them both quietly. Gently place a hand on each of them to make sure they are still breathing. Remind myself that they are both still flesh, blood, living, breathing, vibrant. These kids are my everything.

Periodic Facebook status dump:

FEBRUARY

made a huge mistake. Taught Hank the Sir Mixalot classic "I like Big Butts and I Can Not Lie". He is now exclaiming it, with perfect rhythm and inflection by the way, over and over and over, substituting such gems as "fart" and "pizza" and "boobies" and “penis” for butts...
Hank is also really into “Guess what?” “Chicken Butt!!” Also my fault.

Oh my god. Beckett slept all night. This has only happened one other time in 8.5 months. All night! Please oh please let this be the start of a new normal.

Hank wants to surprise Henry for his birthday tonight. Considering that Henry's birthday isn't until April, chances are he will be very surprised. Hank even made me make a cake.
Henry was so, so surprised! It was so fun, and very funny. We were only able to find the “4” candle from Hank’s 4th birthday, so we used that and Hank said that “Daddy can be 4!” The next morning Hank informed me that “Mommy, today can be your birthday. You will be 4, too! I will also make you a surprise cake!”

JANUARY

Success! I just got the four year old to make me a cocktail in his play kitchen.

my sweet, sweet baby can stand. noooooo!!!
And how he loves to pull up! He pulls up on everything, every chance he gets. He simultaneously looks so big and terribly tiny – such a cute juxtaposition. He’s really taking off these days. The pulling up, the crawling – he crawls so very fast – he looks like a little wind up toy when he really takes off, it is so cute cute cute. And today he climbed the damn stairs! Yikes, thank goodness I was right there.

Just signed up for a ceramics class! Very excited -- can't wait to get my art on.
I’m in the midst of a mission to recapture my creativity. It has been wonderful! I love throwing pottery – it feels amazing. I hope I can keep it up after the class ends in March. I’ve been painting again, too. And sketching. And trying to take at least one photograph a day. I feel like I am tapping back into a side of myself that has been getting more and more lost. It feels really good.

I ♥ technology. just got to meet Branwyn and Stephen’s new little baby, all the way in London, via Skype. Happy!
So delighted that my oldest friend in this world is a mama now, too. Really tickles me. I love hearing about the baby and about Bran’s experiences as she gets in to the swing of things.

Introducing Beckett to our new years day tradition of going to the beach
Happy new years! I think this was the third time we’ve done this, now. And it was a delight. Hank really came out of a shell he’d been in for a long time that day. He was beaming, giddy, so delighted with the entire thing, it was such a pleasure to have our joyful boy back. And Beckett – well, Beckett discovered sand for the first time that afternoon and he was in seventh heaven, too. He couldn’t get enough of it – he kept digging his little fingers and toes into it, and giggling. Oh he was just the sweetest thing. And so incredibly dirty!

DECEMBER

Dear 2011 -- a lot of my friends and family have expressed happiness at seeing you fade to the past. As for me, you held some low points, but mostly I will remember you as the year I was finally, following a 2.5 year wait that came with a lot of heartbreak, given my sweet little Beckett. Thank you, 2011. May your cousin 2012 be so kind as to grace my family in new, beautiful ways.

xmas dinner -- the most raymonds, wagners, and toroians under one roof since our wedding!
There were 17 of us, total, at the house. I loved it! It was a ton of work, but so worth it. There were a couple of stressful moments, such as the moment when I realized that the main course just was not cooking through and all my guests were starting to get to that starving phase, which coincided with discovering a lake in the cabinet under the kitchen sink, which then coincided with hearing a horrible THUD from upstairs, which we thought at first was Hank jumping off of a piece of furniture, but then realized that it was our poor sweet baby Beckett falling off our bed where he had been napping. (my heart stopped. I swear. And then somehow I managed to get upstairs faster than I ever have in my life. Poor Beckett was sobbing on the floor, but seemed to be OK. I, however, lost it – had a total panic attack, it was terribleawfulhorriblesadscary)

So! Much! Fun! (Christmas Morning)
Hank LOVED Christmas morning. He loved it. He got everything he wanted from Santa – a red lego boat and an elaborate marble run. And he got so much other stuff, too. He had so much fun. Each package was exciting, fun, thrilling. He practically did a back flip over a box full of new clothes, that’s how excited he was.

Omgomgomgwakeupwakeupwakeupomgomgomg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (also Christmas Morning)
I don’t know why it took so long for people to get moving on xmas morning, but I was up and excited to get the show on the road. Hank had left snacks out for Santa, and I had made it clear that Santa had been there. Santa left a thank you note, some crumbs, and magic dust (glitter) in a trail from the fireplace to the Christmas tree. When Hank did come down his little mind was just blown! I think he wasn’t sure what to think about Santa in the weeks leading up to xmas, but wanted to believe, and after seeing everything on xmas morning, he believed. It also helped that a friend posed as santa earlier in the month and wrote Hank a fancy letter from Santa on huge parchment, with glitter and calligraphy, the whole nine yards. Hank had also been worried that Santa wouldn’t be able to find our house because we don’t have snow, so we made snowflakes and hung them in the front window. And before going to bed on xmas eve, we went out in the front yard and scanned the sky, looking for Santa, and called up (yelled up, poor neighbors!), “SANTA!!!! DON’T FORGET TO COME TO MY HOUSE!!!!”

Merry christmas to all -- may everyone find light amidst darkness, and may every baby born be so cherished. (Christmas Eve)

Beckett just discovered the xmas tree.
Beckett had already started crawling, but he was still relying on rolling to get from place to place, and he would roll over the xmas tree and start grabbing and batting at things. He thought it was so sparkly and cool.

‎!!!!! Beckett can crawl!!!!

My heart is broken. Hank just looked at me and said very calmly and seriously, 'I don't like you anymore. I just like daddy.'. Will I ever be forgiven for having another baby? Will things ever get easier?
Man, in early December it really felt like things were always going to be awful, that we would never sleep again, that Hank would never be close with me again, that we would never have the close, snuggly relationship we had before the baby. Things had been especially difficult in the days leading up to this announcement, and it really did shatter me. We were up at our favorite playground, and Hank just dropped this bomb. I can’t remember a time that I felt so sad. Fortunately he came around after only a couple of hours, and honestly, things have been better than ever, ever since that moment. Thank goodness. He’s be snuggly, cuddly, affectionate little guy again, and it is wonderful.

HANK has been getting crazy with mama's glue gun.
Hank made lots of Christmas presents for people this year. He made 14 snowglobes, multiple block towers spelling out people’s names, painted ceramics, decorated pinecones. He was on fire! And he was very good with the glue gun!

Feeding my baby, witnessing the eclipse, marveling at my small spot in this vast universe

we've got a sitter!
As in, Beckett learned to sit up on his own in early December.

Merry Joy Peace
The evening that we decorated our Christmas tree was so peaceful and happy. Beckett was already asleep, but Hank stayed up late to help. We listened to Christmas songs and busted out all the good stuff for the tree. I had forgotten that last year my parents had passed along the antique bubble lights that we had always had on my tree, growing up. When we plugged them in, they honestly took my breath away – just swept it right away. The color and tone of the light they produced put me right back into my own childhood, and I immediately wanted nothing more than to create wonderful Christmas memories for my children.

Six months old!

2011-11-30T11:41:00.001-08:00

first time on a swing, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

Dear little Beckett --

My Boo Bear, my Little Boo, you are six months and change, and you are so, so dear and darling. You make so many wonderful sounds -- I hope so much that I will be able to remember the pitch, the tone, of your tiny voice. Of course, for a tiny voice, you sure can fill up the space with sound! You're latest thing is that you've learned how to roar -- you go, "AAAAAAAAHHHAAAHHHHHHHH!!!", as loud as you can, and it makes you so happy to be so loud. You love holding things that crinkle when you touch them, like the bag the baby wipes come in, and mylar balloons. You love to eat -- we started giving you real food about three weeks ago, and you love apples, butternut squash, pears, sweet potatoes, broccoli, spinach, peas, blue berries, peaches, and apricots. When you are teething, which is often these days, even though those silly teeth won't come out, you like to chew on frozen peas that we put in a little mesh feeder, so you won't choke. You love to be on your tummy and push up -- you look so happy and proud when you're on your tummy, arms extended, head perky and eyes alert. Someone who met you recently said that you smile with your whole body -- and yes, you really do. You wiggle and smile, and just ooze happy. You aren't crawling yet, but you've figured out how to roll from place to place, and you do a little scooching, too. Crawling isn't long off. Neither is sitting up. You are so close to being able to do that on your own -- it's amazing to see you get so self sufficient. You crack up at your brother -- you just think he's so funny. It was no surprise to me that your first real laugh was at something Hank was doing. You know your surroundings and your home -- just a few days ago we came home from a week in New York, and when we got back to our car at the airport, you knew your carseat, and you were so happy to be in your own carseat that you started cooing, giggling, and merrily kicking your sweet little feet.

It seems like you are growing up without us even noticing -- it is all going to fast. You are still a tender little baby, but the tender little baby days are zooming by so, so quickly. Every now and then when I'm snuggling you, I snuggle you a little bit tighter and whisper, "stay small for a long, long time, please stay small". Your smallness is delicious, but so is being a witness to all the discoveries you are making about yourself and this world, so keep doing all that, too, and I'll try to slow down and drink it all in a little bit more.

Love,
Mommy

First game of Chutes and Ladders

2011-11-30T11:21:00.001-08:00

First game of Chutes and Ladders, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

Where should we send him?

2011-11-30T11:20:00.001-08:00

Where should we send him?, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

Hank's Volcano Dinosaur Birthday Cake

2011-11-17T22:50:00.001-08:00

Hank's Volcano Dinosaur Birthday Cake, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

Dear Hank --

Beautiful boy! You have just turned four, and I hope you had a really happy birthday. We surprised you by having a bouncy house delivered to our backyard for the day, getting you the big boy bike you were hoping for, and making a big cake that looked like a volcano -- the cake was lemon, your favorite these days, and I put some dinosaurs around it (because you are crazy about dinosaurs right now), and made a river out of blue frosting (because that was another part of your request). I put the whole cake together the night before your party, after you went to sleep, and when you saw it in the morning, the look on your face was priceless.

I've been feeling bad because I haven't been making much time to record memories for you to read in the future, so here are a few recent things that have been so nice for me to experience with you.

1 -- there's a playground in a neighborhood near us called Greenridge Park. We discovered it a few months ago. We have to drive up a huge, steep hill to get there, and at the top is this great playground with a view of the entire bay area. We realized that if we went late enough in the day, you could play and blow off some steam, and then we could watch the sun set. The first time we did this, you were totally blown away. You had no idea that the sun sinks below the horizon, because you had never seen it actually happen. It made for a really magical moment, and now about once a week, you will ask if we can go to Greenridge Park and watch the sun set. We did this again yesterday, and as soon as you noticed that the sun was about the slip away, you came to sit with me and Beckett on a bench and we all watched in silence while snuggling on the bench. It was lovely. This morning you asked if we could go and do it again today.

2 -- about two months ago (so when Beckett was just about five months old) you finally noticed that he was someone you could interact with, someone who could be fun for you, instead of just someone who was taking Daddy's and my attention away. Since then I've really enjoyed watching you do things like share toys with him, and make him laugh. In doing so, you've been able to share some of Beckett's first experiences, and by the look on your face when this happens, it looks like you re-experience these things for the first time again, too. You did this with a glowing light stick -- it was really dark and you were playing with this wonderful glowing thing, noticed that Beckett was interested, and shared it with him, and watched him play -- it was lovely. And just this week, you made Beckett laugh out loud for the very first time, and it cracked you up, too. You were running around the family room in your underpants, throwing your pants up in the air over and over again, and it just cracked Beckett up -- he laughed and laughed, laughed like he has never laughed before, and you laughed and laughed, too.

3 -- you say the craziest things these days -- I've been trying to jot my favorites down, but I know I'm not capturing them all. Here are three of your finest quotes, just from yesterday:

"my sleeves are inside out! Help me make them inside in!"

"that dog has a funny butt. It's butt is ROUND!!"

"mommy!!! The moooon is out! It's a banana!"

And pretty much everything that comes out of your mouth is preceded by a "Moooommmmmyyyyy!!!!!"

I'll wrap this birthday letter up, because it is starting to get a little long, but know that your daddy and I just love you so much. We love reading stories with you. We love how curious you are about how things work, watching you focus on taking things apart and put them back together. You love to have dance parties in the evenings. You bring a lot of joy to our lives, and we can't imagine what the last four years would have been like without you in them. Thank you for being our wonderful little guy.

Love,
Mommy

Hank's Volcano Dinosaur Birthday Cake

2011-11-17T22:49:00.001-08:00

Hank's Volcano Dinosaur Birthday Cake, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

Hank's Volcano Dinosaur Birthday Cake

2011-11-17T22:48:00.001-08:00

Hank's Volcano Dinosaur Birthday Cake, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

More Halloween

2011-11-17T22:46:00.005-08:00

More Halloween, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

More Halloween

2011-11-17T22:46:00.003-08:00

More Halloween, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

Hank's Halloween Costume

2011-11-17T22:46:00.001-08:00

Hank's Halloween Costume, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

Hank's Halloween Costume

2011-11-17T22:45:00.005-08:00

Hank's Halloween Costume, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

Hank's Halloween Costume

2011-11-17T22:45:00.003-08:00

Hank's Halloween Costume, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

APPLES!!!

2011-11-17T22:45:00.001-08:00

APPLES!!!, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

Our second attempt at introducing solids, at 5.5 months, went a lot better. Ever since the apple incident, Beckett has loved to eat.

Snooze

2011-11-17T22:43:00.003-08:00

Snooze, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

Written by Hank himself!

2011-11-17T22:43:00.001-08:00

Written by Hank himself!, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

Hank is great at writing his letters -- He asks how to spell things, and then does the writing himself.

Geepop and Beckett

2011-11-17T21:20:00.001-08:00

Geepop and Beckett, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

brothers

2011-11-17T21:19:00.001-08:00

brothers, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

I love Beckett's googly eyes in this picture. Love them so, so much :) And I love that Hank is giving him a kiss. :* Hank is very sweet to Beckett.

Santa Cruz

2011-11-17T21:18:00.001-08:00

Santa Cruz, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

We took the boys to Santa Cruz for the day to visit my brother and his rad girlfriend Katy. The beach was awesome and so fun for Hank.

First Bites

2011-11-17T21:17:00.001-08:00

First Bites, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

Poor little Beckett -- we thought he might be interested in trying some solid food when he was about five months old, but he was not in to it At All....

Tilden Park --Celebrating Mountain Day

2011-11-17T21:16:00.003-08:00

Tilden Park --Celebrating Mountain Day, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

Train Trip To Sacramento

2011-11-17T21:16:00.001-08:00

Train Trip To Sacramento, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

Bowling!

2011-11-17T21:15:00.001-08:00

Bowling!, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

Sail Away Boat

2011-11-16T22:02:00.001-08:00

Sail Away Boat, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

With Hank getting older, and more and more creative, we've been trying to find new ways to be inventive at home with play. In our efforts, several cardboard boxes have met their demise, but some, like this one, got new life as things like sail boats. We've been having a ton of fun :)

Happy Beckett!

2011-11-16T21:56:00.001-08:00

Fun with Dress Up, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

Learning to Play Together

2011-11-16T21:55:00.001-08:00

Fun with Dress Up, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

I'd say this was the first moment that Hank really tried to play with Beckett. It only took four months!

First Trip To Fairy Land!

2011-11-16T21:53:00.001-08:00

First Trip To Fairy Land!, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

OK, well, to be technical, Hank's first trip to fairyland was as an infant, but this was his first trip as a full fledged boy, and it was just delightful. Fairyland was pretty much exactly as I remembered it. The rides, displays, play equipment, all of it. Hank loved it, and I loved getting to share it with him, and with Henry, too (who of course had never been). I loved having Beckett there, too, but really look forward to taking him at an age when he'll be able to enjoy it as much as Hank enjoyed it this past trip. It was really a joy. I can't wait to go again.

First Trip To Fairy Land!

2011-11-16T21:47:00.003-08:00

First Trip To Fairy Land!, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

First Trip To Fairy Land!

2011-11-16T21:47:00.001-08:00

First Trip To Fairy Land!, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

Hank Pretends to be a Fruit Bat

2011-11-16T21:46:00.001-08:00

Hank Pretends to be a Fruit Bat, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

First Cotton Candy

2011-11-16T21:45:00.003-08:00

First Cotton Candy, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

At the zoo

2011-11-16T21:45:00.001-08:00

You Must Be This Tall, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

A favorite outing this past summer. We went often. Beckett would nap in the stroller and Hank would enjoy the zoo.

Tummy Time

2011-11-16T21:43:00.001-08:00

Tummy Time, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

4 months old

Trying out the bumbo seat for the first time

2011-11-16T21:42:00.001-08:00

play, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

about 4 months old here

Quick Trip To Monterey

2011-11-16T21:40:00.001-08:00

playground, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

We went down to Monterey for a day, and spent much of it at this incredible playground. Hank, true to form, spent much of that time blowing our minds with his physical abilities and complete fearlessness on the playground equipment.

tire swing

2011-11-16T21:37:00.003-08:00

tire swing, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

beautiful boy

blue eyes

2011-11-16T21:37:00.001-08:00

blue eyes, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

3.5 months

Spectators

2011-11-16T21:36:00.001-08:00

Hot Wheels!, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

Lowly Worm and Lighting McQueen (or as Hank pronounces it, "Lightling")

Hank's First Hot Wheels Set

2011-11-16T21:35:00.001-08:00

Hot Wheels!, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

oh this made him so happy! Towards the end of the Summer, Hank had just been being so good and wonderful, that I took him to the toy store and told him he could pick one toy out, and he was drawn to this like a magnet. They had a torrid affair, lasting about a month and a half. Definitely worth the 17 bucks.

Brothers

2011-08-17T20:25:00.001-07:00

--- Posting while on the go.

So What's Hank Up To?

2011-08-17T20:24:00.001-07:00

Hank is getting so big so fast! He's 3.75 now, and already busting out of his 4T clothes. I just noticed today that he pronounces pretty much all of his 'r's clearly, all of a sudden, so no more 'oianges' :( but we still have lemolade :)

Hank is loving preschool, and is discovering the joy of listening to audiobooks. Today we went to the library, and Hank got his own library card. He got a kick out of signing his name on the back, and checking out his books and CDs. We checked out an audio version of Winnie the Pooh. I really get a kick out of how Hank pronounces Christopher Robin -- he calls him Krista Behrobbin. Definitely now correcting that anytime soon.

Hank is gradually showing more interest in Beckett. He is still convinced Beckett's name is actually 'Buckett'. Today he wanted to hold Beckett for the first time. It was very sweet.

--- Posting while on the go.

Three Months

2011-08-17T20:13:00.001-07:00

Dear Beckett --

Yesterday you turned three months old! I can hardly believe you have been with us for a quarter of a year already. I barely remember what it was like before you came along; that's how deeply you belong with us.

The fourth trimester zoomed by this time. All of a sudden I look down and you are no longer the floppy, squishy baby we met back in May. Don't get me wrong, you are still plenty squishy and floppy, but you are getting stronger and sturdier by the day. And goodness -- so cute!! Your smiles are infectious. When you are happy you wiggle, clasp your teensy little hands together, and push out your chest. Sometimes when you fart, you surprise yourself and your eyes get huge. Your soft red hair is still soft and red, and I still love to snuzzle your hair with my chin. You hold my fingers tightly when nursing, and you are just learning to shake a toy or rattle. You love your blankies, and like to ball them up in your fists and bury your face in them. You prefer to be held upright as opposed to cradled in our arms, and you love to nap on my chest in a baby carrier. You coo, oo, aah, and squeal. Sometimes you cry so hard that you get blotchy. One of your favorite places in the world is your stroller. I still think of you as my little Buddha Baby and call you Boo for short. I also think of you as my lucky penny. You are still working on learning how to roll over, and you hate tummy time. When we are outside, you are amazed by the trees. Trees are quite amazing. You are amazing.

Love,
Mommy

--- Posting while on the go.

Sharing With A New Generation

2011-08-08T07:33:00.001-07:00

This past weekend we were supposed to meet up with some friends visiting from NY in SF for dinner. The plan ended up getting called off when we were already on the bridge, so we decided to go into the city and have dinner anyway.

We wound up going to Cafe de la Presse, a French brasserie just outside the gate to Chinatown. After dinner, the kids still had some steam, so we burned it off by wandering Chinatown, taking in the sights and sounds, and exploring. Hank loved it. He absolutely loved it. And it wasn't until we were doing it that I remembered it as something my family would do when I was a child. Sharing this adventure, and being on the other side of the experience, as a parent, was moving and exciting for me.

--- Posting while on the go.

Nearly Three Months

2011-07-31T22:25:00.001-07:00

Beckett, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

I cannot believe that eleven weeks have passed since we met Beckett. The last eleven weeks have been filled with highs, lows, scary moments, and lots of joy to balance it all out. I regret that I haven't made the time to write more regularly in these last weeks, because it has truly passed in a blur. The fourth trimester has nearly passed, and I don't know where it went.

Over all, we have been lucky -- Beckett had a rough start his first few weeks, but the closer we come to three months, the mellower he's become, and we seem to have a lovely, pleasant, smiley baby on our hands, and I just feel so blessed.

The only moment I remember vividly in the first few days that we were home from the hospital, was the moment Beckett stopped breathing in my arms. He was eight days old at the time, and I had just fed him and changed his diaper. I picked him up off the bed where we were sitting, and all of a sudden his tiny body went stiff and twisted, his eyes bugged out of his head, and he turned purple. He wasn't breathing, and stayed that way for several seconds. Inside I was panicking, outside I was panicking. I was crying, "BREATHE!! BECKETT, BREATHE!!!" Henry was upstairs and came running, and whacked Beckett on the back, getting him to breathe again. Mere seconds passed by before it all happened again. I got on the phone with 911 and paramedics arrived very quickly. By then, Beckett was back to himself, but the paramedics said that it sounded like he had had a seizure, and strongly recommended that we take him to the ER. So off to the ER we went.

At the ER they took him in right away, and immediately wanted to rule out seizure disorders. They gave our tiny baby a spinal tap, drew blood from him, ran an IV line, and catheterized him to take a urine sample. The pediatrician kept talking about seizures and admitted him so that he Beckett could be given IV antibiotics and be in the hospital for some other tests, such as a brain scan.

We spent six days in the hospital on the pediatric ward. The first 36 hours were terrifying for us. By the end of those 36 hours, they had ruled out seizure disorders and meningitis, but they had diagnosed Beckett with a urinary tract infection. Subsequent tests, including an ultrasound and a scan involving dye being injected into his bladder, fortunately ruled out any structural problems with his kidneys and bladder. Six weeks of antibiotics later, he was finally given a clean bill of health.

Beckett's illness and hospitalization combined with his high birthweight also caused him to lose a significant chunk of weight in his first two weeks, and it took eight weeks to get him back to his birth weight. It wasn't until then that I finally felt like I could begin to relax and enjoy and get to know Beckett. And he is wonderful.

He smiles and everything lights up. He can almost laugh. He has a fuzzy blue blankie that he loves and likes to hold. He adores Hank. When he farts, he smiles happy smiles.

Hank is growing into his role as big brother beautifully. He still calls Beckett "Buckett", and sings a little sing-song to him all the time that goes, "Hiiii, little Buckett! A wop-a-doop-a-luppet!" He's been warming up to the baby slowly, but he now likes to kiss Beckett on the head, and pet him. When we are driving in the car, he often calls to me from the back seat to tell me what Beckett is doing. When Beckett is crying, he will tell him, "You ok, little Buckett!"

Hank is growing up so much in his own right. Recently he has been really enjoying his scooter. We got him a bike helmet so he can scoot around the block, and darn it he is so cute! He is learning to spell words that interest him. He even blew our minds a few weeks ago when he pointed out a sign to us and said, "That says "NO!"", and he was right! He's really amazing!

But of course in the midst of all this maturity, I am also remembering the fact that he is still so young, too. I was so worried that the baby's birth would beat the last of the baby out of Hank, but it hasn't. I think sometimes we forget that he is still only three years old and being three comes with its own set of challenges. Most recently we've realized that Beckett's hospitalization really scared Hank terribly, and as a result he's become clingy and resistant to trying anything new. He wants to be home, preferably with us, all the time. But on the bright side he finally seems to be potty trained! Huzzah!!

I've had a few moments of wistful thinking about the fact that I'm never going to be pregnant again, never going to give birth again or have a baby again. Sometimes I look at Beckett and say, "we will never have anyone this small in the family again!" But my childbearing really is over, and by and large I am happy about that. I guess it is just the fact that we spent so much time in the conception and pregnancy mindset, that it has been strange to reset, and refocus, and start to let other things into my brainspace again. It is a good place to be. I like it.

Sara and Beckett

2011-07-31T21:39:00.003-07:00

Sara and Beckett (1), originally uploaded by allthingssara.

Sara and Beckett

2011-07-31T21:39:00.001-07:00

Sara and Beckett, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

Family

2011-07-31T21:38:00.005-07:00

Beckett and Family, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

Brothers -- Beckett at Two Months

2011-07-31T21:38:00.003-07:00

Brothers, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

Touchdown bear

2011-07-31T21:38:00.001-07:00

Touchdown bear, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

Waking up

2011-07-31T21:37:00.001-07:00

Waking up, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

Beckett's Insides

2011-07-31T21:36:00.003-07:00

Beckett's Insides, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

Octopus by Hank

2011-07-31T21:36:00.001-07:00

Octopus by Hank, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

Giving Liberace and Elton John a run for their money

2011-07-31T21:35:00.005-07:00

Giving Liberace and Elton John a run for their money, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

Beckett -- One Month Old

2011-07-31T21:35:00.003-07:00

Beckett, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

Milkshake at Vals!

2011-07-31T21:35:00.001-07:00

Milkshake at Vals!, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

Milkshake at Vals!

2011-07-31T21:34:00.005-07:00

Milkshake at Vals!, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

Hank spells "ZOO"

2011-07-31T21:34:00.003-07:00

Hank spells "ZOO", originally uploaded by allthingssara.

Hearing test during hospitalization

2011-07-31T21:34:00.001-07:00

Hearing test during hospitalization, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

Typing!

2011-07-31T21:33:00.003-07:00

Typing!, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

Beckett

2011-07-31T21:33:00.001-07:00

Beckett, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

New Baby

2011-07-31T21:32:00.001-07:00

New Baby, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

Beckett and Family

2011-07-31T21:30:00.005-07:00

Beckett and Family, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

Beckett and mommy

2011-07-31T21:30:00.003-07:00

Beckett and mommy, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

Beckett and Daddy

2011-07-31T21:30:00.001-07:00

Beckett and Daddy, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

Beckett Alexander Wagner

2011-05-24T09:18:00.000-07:00

The quick facts:
Born May 16, 2011 at 7:18 a.m. after a pitocin induction which began the day before at about 2 pm. Active labor kicked in at about 2:30 a.m. He was 10 lbs 10.4 oz and 21 inches long, and I delivered him vaginally with only one shot of fentanyl for pain relief during transition.

The gory details:
My thoughts here might be kind of scattered, but as Beckett is now one week old, I wanted to be sure to record what I could, lest I forget the experience of welcoming our second son into the world. Over the last 24 hours I have been replaying much of the experience in my mind – at this time last week, we were headed to Kaiser – at this time last week, they started the pitocin – at this time last week, the midwife talked me into waiting to have my water broken – at this time last week, Beckett was finally born…

Throughout this entire pregnancy I was pretty sure that this child would be born well before his due date, and that he would come fast – Hank had been born at about 38 weeks and labor, once it got going, lasted a mere 4.5 hours, so I had that history behind me. I discussed these fears with my doctor several times, and while she assured me that there was no way to tell what kind of labor I would have with this child, how fast it would go, or when labor would start, there was a good possibility that he would be early and that the birth would happen fast.

Turns out, this kid was going to make us wait a lot longer than I had anticipated…

At about 36 weeks I spent an afternoon in labor and delivery having contractions. They never got regular, and eventually stopped, but I was told that day that I was already 2 centimeters dilated, and should make sure that my hospital bags were packed. This sent us into a bit of a panic because we started to think that labor might happen any time.

From that point on I was feeling contractions on a daily basis. At every OB appointment I had my cervix checked and found out I was more and more dilated. I couldn’t go for a walk around the block without feeling like I was about to drop a baby in the street. Henry gathered up the phone numbers for our local fire department and sheriff’s office, in case labor started and the baby was coming too fast to make it to the hospital. He also started working from home every day, just in case labor started. The phone calls started coming: “how are you feeling?” After a couple of weeks, I started feeling like a time bomb that every one was watching, and I didn’t even know when I was going to go off. I won’t lie -- it was a very stressful time for me.

At 37 weeks, still contracting and still dilating, I was sent for an ultrasound to estimate the baby’s weight, and was told that it was probably around 8 lbs, 9 oz. No problem, I thought, I’ve already given birth to a 9 lb, 14 oz baby. I was also still thinking that this baby was going to be early, so I wasn’t all that concerned about how big it was going to get.

38 weeks came and went. No baby. That’s when I started to get worried about the size. At my next appointment I asked my OB what we do if labor just doesn’t start. At this point I was so fed up with being pregnant. I hadn’t had a decent night’s sleep in months, my back ached like I couldn’t believe, I was short tempered and anxious, and I desperately wanted to be let out of pregnancy. Her response was exactly what I wanted to hear: that given my history of having a big baby in the past, we could put me on the induction schedule for 40 weeks exactly. So the induction was scheduled for May 15, the due date.

Over the next week I did a few things, hoping they would kick start labor, including having my membranes swept (that seemed to be working the night it was done, but then just petered out), going square dancing, and jumping on a trampoline.

The trampoline jumping at 39 weeks did land me in labor and delivery, but only to be told that I wasn’t in labor, and that the pains I was feeling were more likely me having pulled all my round ligaments. Oof… I was so disappointed, and I think I probably cried. And it was mothers’ day. I think my Facebook status that evening was “turns out jumping on a trampoline at 39 weeks pregnant will not send you in to labor.”

A couple of days later my anxiety got the best of me, and I couldn’t feel the baby moving any more, so off to labor and delivery again. The midwife who saw me that day, Doris, had a wonderful, crunchy sense of humor, and quickly located my baby’s heart on the monitor for me, and then did another ultrasound to estimate weight. She pegged him at 11 pounds, and then told me that he was stuck sunnyside up, which was the reason that I had been having such awful back pain. Hearing all this made me especially grateful that the induction was coming right up, as I was dreading the baby getting any bigger, and fearing the complications and dangers associated with delivering a sunnyside up baby.

Induction day finally arrived. My parents arrived at our house so my dad could take Hank, and my mom could come with us to assist in the labor. Our dear friend Melissa also came, as she was going to act as our doula. We called Kaiser at the appointed time, 8:30 a.m., and were told that it was too busy, please call back at 10. At 10 we called again, and were told we needed to wait a bit longer, and that someone would call us back by noon. At 11:30 we finally got the call to come in.

Driving to the hospital we could hardly believe that the time had finally come. Henry and I reflected on the road we were finally coming to the end of. There was lots of relief, and the fear that I had experienced over the preceding months of delivering a baby again evaporated – I was ready to roll.

I got checked in and it took a while, but eventually the pitocin was started. Having been through a pitocin induction with Hank that went lightening fast, we had all been expecting a pretty rapid progression, but several hours in, nothing was going on, and every half hour the dose was being upped. I was having contractions, and while they were getting stronger over time, they weren’t getting regular. We were all pretty surprised that the progress was so slow, and as the hours dragged on, I was becoming more and more frustrated and disappointed that I wouldn’t be meeting the baby that day.

Everyone was getting tired and Melissa and Henry and my mom all started trying to get some sleep, and so did I. When I realized at 12:30 a.m. that my mother was trying to sleep on the floor of the birthing room, we decided that she would head home for the night, and come back early in the morning, even though we knew this might mean she would miss the birth.

I managed to sleep for the next couple of hours. The midwife, Christine, came in to check me at 2:30 a.m. at which point I asked if we could break my water, in the hopes that doing so would cause the contractions to get stronger and more regular. She understood my desire to get things moving but also knew that I was exhausted, and told me that she thought that once my water was broken, the baby would come incredibly fast, and suggested that I try to rest through the rest of the night, and that we break the water early in the morning. She also said that she was worried that with the pitocin at the level it was at, we were asking for a hemorrhage once the baby was delivered, and said that she wanted to dial it way back for the night, and sweep my membranes. I was worried that by turning the pitocin down labor would really stall, but the membrane sweep worked not only to keep things going, but to start the action. Before I knew it, I was in active labor, which lasted the rest of the night.

At about 5:30 a.m. I felt that familiar terror that I will only ever equate with transition. I was in so much pain I could barely see. Christine checked me and said “7 centimeters!” I was starting to feel really scared and unable to focus. Through the worst of the contractions, I meditated on the names of several other women I know who have faced miscarriages and infertility in their efforts to grow their families. At one point Melissa asked me what I needed, and crying in pain, I said, “I want my mommy!!!”, so she sent Henry out to call her back. He came back in and said that my mom was already in her car when he reached her – thank goodness. Then I asked for the fentanyl, because I knew that without it, I would lose all ability to focus and get through what was still to come.

My mom made it to the hospital in record time, and it is a good thing. Shortly after she arrived Chirstine told me it was time to break my water. I didn’t see it, but she used a large crochet-hook type tool to pop the amniotic sac. I felt the pop, and then a hot waterfall came gushing out – nothing like the little trickle of water I felt when my water broke with Hank. I couldn’t believe the amount of water that came out of me.

From that moment on, things happened very fast. The fentanyl wore off, and the pain hit an excruciating new level. I begged for more fentanyl, but Christine cautioned against it, telling me that if I used it the baby would be born too sleepy. I took her advice, although I really didn’t believe that I was close to pushing, and I was still certain that my sunnyside up boy was going to take a long time to push out, if he didn’t get stuck that is.

But shortly after my water was broken, Christine told me that I was at 9.5 centimeters, and that the lip that remained was soft and stretchy, and that I could go ahead and start pushing. I didn’t feel the urge to push that I had felt with Hank, though, so pushing was really difficult, and incredibly painful. It was made worse by a nurse who kept yelling at me about where to put my hands, how to hold my legs, how to push… I felt like I was being screamed at, couldn’t focus at all, and was in even more pain than I could imagine, and just didn’t have the energy left in me to do what she was telling me to do and push at the same time. About halfway through the pushing, I started blacking out and seeing stars with every push – I was so scared I was going to pass out and that no one would notice. I knew that Henry and Melissa were right there by my head, though, and they brought me back from the edge, and got me focused again. Next thing I knew, Christine was calling up to me, “oh – he’s got red hair! Just a couple more pushes!” The screamy nurse was still yelling at me, making it pretty much impossible for me to focus (at one point I turned to Melissa and cried to her, “why is she YELLING at me??”), but then another nurse came in and took over the coaching – no more yelling. And a few more pushes and Beckett was born, screaming like a banshee, huge, and healthy, with a head full of the softest auburn hair. I couldn’t believe it was actually over.

The baby was placed on my chest. Henry and I hadn’t settled on a name before the birth, and I looked at the baby, and looked at Henry, and said, “Is this Beckett? Is this Beckett?” And he was. Then, Henry and I cut the cord together. It was such a relief to make that cut – knowing that we would never have to try to get pregnant again, be pregnant again, deliver a baby again, knowing that our family was finally complete after those years of loss and disappointment, and all I could think was ‘it’s over. It’s over. It’s over.’

After Hank was born I felt like a super hero. After Beckett was born, I just felt glad that both of us had survived the experience. Getting a nearly 11 pound baby out of one’s body is no joke. My whole body was shaking uncontrollably for quite some time following the delivery. Another shot of fentanyl helped soothe the shaking for a short time, but in the end, time just had to run in order for the shaking to stop. Our midwife said that Beckett was now the record holder for the biggest baby she had ever delivered. I’m still just dumbfounded that he didn’t get stuck.

I spent two nights in the hospital. Hank came to visit twice. When asked if he knew the baby’s name, he said “BUCKET!!” (he still calls him Bucket – it is pretty cute). The first visit he was pretty circumspect around the baby. He held his hand quickly, but then just wanted to snuggle with me, which was so nice. He looked so big to me – so grown up.

We’ve been home since Wednesday, and it is still such a relief to have our whole family in one place, finally. Beckett is a champion nurser, and has a pretty pleasant disposition. He’s a big guy for sure, but because he is two inches shorter than Hank was at birth, he doesn’t seem that big to us. When I’ve got him propped upright he looks kind of like a Buddha, which has earned him the nickname “Buddha Baby”. His head is nearly the width of his shoulders, and the rest of his body is narrow. He’s furry on his shoulders and back, and reminds me of a tiny gorilla. He’s still got his days and nights mixed up, and we are battling jaundice, but all in all I can’t complain.

Hank has taken to his new role very well. He has his moments of jealousy and acting out, but he also seems to know that he will always be our baby, too. I think I’ve been fairly successful at carving out some time each day to focus just on Hank, and the time we’ve spent together has been fun. His current favorite thing to do is type all our names on the computer, so we’ve spent a lot of time doing that. And blowing bubbles. And reading stories. He’s a sweetheart. In those days leading up to the induction, I was overcome with emotion regarding Hank and his maturity. In some ways I suppose I mourned the end of his babyhood and prayed that we were not forcing him to grow up faster than necessary. But he is rising to the occasion for sure.

Go Time

2011-05-14T21:52:00.000-07:00

Well, tomorrow is the big day. I will be 40 wks pregnant, and for a few different reasons, my doctor agreed that labor could be induced tomorrow morning. So by the end of the day tomorrow, Baby No. 2 will have finally joined us on the outside.

God I hope everything goes well.

We decided on induction because the baby has been getting big -- he's estimated at about 9/13 right now, just about the same size that Hank was when he was born. Also, I've been having contractions and dilating steadily for the last four weeks. FOUR WEEKS!! I am 4 cm dilated, for goodness sake, and I've been having contractions for a month! It has been physically and mentally exhausting to constantly be thinking that labor is about to start at any time, and then to have it not start. I've honestly been feeling like a watched bomb. No one knows when I am supposed to explode, yet they all seem to think that I know? No. I don't. All I know is that no one expected me to go this far. At this point in Hank's pregnancy, he was already a week and a half old. This one just doesn't seem to want to come out. Anyway.... I was hoping to avoid going through the pitocin experience again, but at this point the positives far outweigh the negatives.

The silver lining of the last few weeks is that Henry, Hank, and I have been able to have some really nice family time together, knowing that the shape of our family is really going to change quite a bit, and thinking it could happen at any time. My favorite memories from the last few weeks are going out to dinner at Crepevine for Henry's birthday, a favorite place from when we lived in Oakland, followed by slices of cake at Whole Foods; going to the Freight and Salvage open house in Berkeley where we square danced and played music and sang and made a banjo (that Hank has barely been able to put down since); and going to a couple of birthday parties, including one where I dared jump on a trampoline in hopes that jumping might shake the baby loose (no luck -- all it did was land me in Labor and Delivery with several pulled ligaments, and a midwife who laughed at me).

Throughout it all, Hank has been especially kind and sweet. He really seems to understand what is about to happen, and seems excited for the baby to come. He hugs my belly and kisses it and talks to the baby. On occasion he asks me if the baby has come out yet. He uses the Magic 8 Ball to suggest "names" to us (such as his current favorite, Outtadoubt. He also likes Zoom). He tells me that he has two babies in his tummy, and when it is time for them to come out, he is going to 'push and push and push them out!' (when he says this, he pounds on his tummy super quickly, and then announces 'ok, baby is out!').

Knowing that the baby is definitely coming tomorrow, we have made sure that Hank knows it too. It is a little bittersweet thinking of him losing his Only Child status. He does seem ready, but it still has so many sides to it. I keep wondering what it would have been like had that first pregnancy worked out, and we were welcoming a new baby in to the family when he would have been 18 months or so, as opposed to 3.5 yrs old. He's not a baby at all any more, and his consciousness is so much different now than it would have been back then. I know his world is going to be totally rocked, I just hope that it won't be rocked in a bad way.

We just love that big boy so much, and I hope to hell he knows how special and dear he is to us, how special and dear he always will be to us.

39 Weeks

2011-05-14T11:51:00.001-07:00

39 Weeks, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

This was just about a week ago. I cannot believe that I am still pregnant. I even jumped on a trampoline the day this picture was taken, and I am still pregnant!

Written by Hank with NO HELP!

2011-05-14T11:50:00.001-07:00

Written by Hank with NO HELP!, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

36/37 weeks? Can't remember

2011-05-14T11:49:00.003-07:00

36/37 weeks? Can't remember, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

Easter!

2011-05-14T11:49:00.001-07:00

Easter!, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

Easter was a total hit this year! The "Easter Bunny" hid things all over the place, and Hank had a ball running around, finding everything. I've got to say, it was more fun that xmas morning for me. For several days afterwards, Hank would ask if the easter bunny would come again the next day.

37 wks

2011-05-14T11:48:00.001-07:00

37 wks, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

Here are all the views from the fancy ultrasound I had at 37 weeks that estimated the weight of the baby at that time at 8lb7oz. Three weeks later, it is being estimated at 9lb13oz.

Jamming outside of Freight and Salvage

2011-05-14T11:46:00.001-07:00

Jamming outside of Freight and Salvage, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

Here's Hank outside the Freight and Salvage, a music center in Berkeley. We went there a couple of weeks ago to participate in some square dancing, jamming, and banjo making (he made this tin can banjo with the help of his daddy!). It was a really fun way to spend the afternoon -- there were jam sessions taking place all over the center, and every single one of them was happy to have Hank sit in and play along.

the fox!

2011-04-21T18:36:00.001-07:00

the fox!, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

Here's the finishing touch on Hank's room. He requested a fox, and I finally got it painted today.

Love it. :)

Ready for the baby to come ANY MINUTE....

2011-04-21T09:36:00.000-07:00

Whew, I made it through my last court appearance yesterday. It was pretty funny, though, and I thought I should write it down as a reminder. The family law community is pretty tight here in the East Bay, so the court staff knows me and the judge always remembers me, so when I walked in, the staff took one look at me and the court attendant got very serious with me and said, "so, where are you planning to deliver? because if you need to go, you just let me know and we'll get some of the deputies to drive you over there!" And the clerk went white and said, "I'm really not prepared for babies to be born in this court room!". One of them must have run back to warn the judge, because when she came out to take the bench, before she sat down she looked at me very sternly and said, "counsel, I just want to be sure that you are aware that this courtroom has very strict rules about NO CHILDREN in the courtroom at ANY TIME." Everyone had a good laugh, and when the hearing was over there was much well-wishing, and see you when the baby is out kind of stuff. It was a really nice way to wrap up my work commitments, seeing as I'm a solo and don't have any "coworkers" to give me crap about taking a leave.

Testing out the Bouncy Chair

2011-04-14T15:46:00.001-07:00

Testing out the Bouncy Chair, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

Hank has been remarkably helpful in the last couple of weeks with respect to getting things ready for the baby. He's helped with testing out the baby equipment, sorting the baby clothes (which he has also insisted on trying on), and painting his room (which he will be sharing with the baby). The painting project was pretty huge -- he picked the wall color himself, and told me what he wanted to see on the walls. When it was done he was so happy, exclaiming, "I like it!! I like it!!" over and over again, and, "The baby will like it too!!"

Hank has actually been pretty good about the baby coming. He asks me every now and then if the baby is ready to come out. He also likes to tell me that there is a baby in his tummy, too, and that he is just going to "push and push and push and it will come out!" (and then he lifts his shirt and pushes his hands against his belly three or four times, throws his hands up in the air, and exclaims, "the baby is out!!"). He has suggested a couple of names: 'Zoom', and 'Trouble'. Trouble! I love it. (well, maybe for a middle name).

Hank's (and Baby's) Room -- After

2011-04-14T15:37:00.001-07:00

Hank's (and Baby's) Room -- After, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

Sunshine.....

Hank's (and Baby's) Room -- After

2011-04-14T15:36:00.003-07:00

Hank's (and Baby's) Room -- After, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

Ladybugs....

Hank's (and Baby's) Room -- After

2011-04-14T15:36:00.001-07:00

Hank's (and Baby's) Room -- After, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

Trees....

Hank's (and Baby's) Room -- After

2011-04-14T15:35:00.001-07:00

Hank's (and Baby's) Room -- After, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

Bees....

Painitng Hank's Room

2011-04-14T15:34:00.001-07:00

Painitng Hank's Room, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

Oh yes. Child labor.

He was actually very helpful!

Exploratorium

2011-04-14T15:32:00.001-07:00

Exploratorium, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

We hit the Exploratorium a few weeks ago -- it is amazing to see a three year old exploring all the experiments.

Tinker Bell Rules!

2011-04-14T15:30:00.001-07:00

Tinker Bell Rules!, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

I just love this picture of Hank. <3

Trip to Rock City, Mt Diablo

2011-04-14T15:29:00.001-07:00

Trip to Rock City, Mt Diablo, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

On the way down the mountain from the snow trip, we stopped at Rock City, a place I had never taken Hank to. Oh he loved it! the climbing, the jumping, the holes!! Definitely keeping this place on the List Of Things To Do.

Snow on Mt Diablo!

2011-04-14T15:27:00.001-07:00

Snow on Mt Diablo!, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

We had some unusually cold weather this spring, including snow on Mt. Diablo. I took Hank up there to see what it was like, and we had a lot of fun! I wasn't sure he would be into it, as he's historically had a hatred of snow, but he surprised me and really had a good time.

Big Sur

2011-04-14T15:25:00.001-07:00

Big Sur, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

We took a weekend trip to Big Sur in March. It was lovely to be there again, but I couldn't help comparing and contrasting how things were the last time we had been there with the way things are right now. We were in the aftermath of that sucky miscarriage and this time here I was all pregnant and stuff. Life really can take turns, and things can change so much from year to year. We hiked along the same river we always hike along, to the same beach we always hike to. Last time we did that hike, as we were gathering ourselves to hike back to the trailhead, a hugely pregnant woman appeared on the beach, making me feel like I couldn't begin the return hike quickly enough. The river we hiked along reminded me so much of the mizuko jizo ceremony we had participated in, and mediated on the concept of life flowing in and out like tides. This visit I felt the same meditation as we hiked along the river, but this time I was the pregnant woman arriving on the beach. I still wasn't feeling 100% confident at that time, but I was finally starting to relax into things a bit, and my mood gave the weekend a calm contemplative vibe, and it was really very nice.

1st Day of Preschool!

2011-04-14T15:16:00.001-07:00

1st Day of Preschool!, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

Another fun thing we did recently, was start preschool! Hank has taken to it really well, and looks forward to going on his preschool days.

First Time Playing Mini Golf

2011-04-14T15:15:00.001-07:00

First Time Playing Mini Golf, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

One of the greatest things about having kids is getting to experience all sorts of things as though it were the first time I was experiencing it. Taking Hank minigolfing was no exception - it was a complete delight! He didn't really get the hang of using the club to hit the ball, but he really enjoyed "helping" everyone get their balls in the holes. He just loved it so much. We haven't been again, yet, but we definitely will go again (and probably again and again and again). The experience was similar to the first time he went bowling. I think that was about a year ago. Seeing him experience things for the first time is just so much fun, it makes me feel a sense of joy and satisfaction so incredibly deep. I hope that parenting always brings this sense of joy and fun to me. If it does, then I am truly lucky in life.

New Year's Day, 2011

2011-02-06T18:29:00.001-08:00

New Year's Day, 2011, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

Water Fountains Are A Challenge

2011-02-06T18:25:00.001-08:00

Water Fountains Are A Challenge, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

Trip to Pacifica

2011-02-06T18:24:00.001-08:00

Trip to Pacifica, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

Trip to Pacifica

2011-02-06T18:23:00.001-08:00

Trip to Pacifica, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

Happy to be exactly where I am.

2011-02-06T17:18:00.000-08:00

Emotionally, physically, geographically...

Well, Ok.

Nearly a year has passed since the last time I posted here. At the time of that last post, life had really become so overwhelming. We were still struggling with fertility, and I was beginning to think it would never happen again; Hank was growing up so, so quickly; my career was starting to feel at a real crossroads. Keeping up with the blog was just not a priority. Add in the fact that I wasn't really feeling like I could keep up with my original intention behind the blog: to keep a running record of our lives (because my head was so wrapped up in wanting to have another baby and my heart was so sad that we were having such continuing trouble getting pregnant -- it was a hard time).

A few days after that last post it was my birthday and we had everyone we knew, who was local, over to the house for a housewarming/birthday party. It was a really fun, lovely day, but what I remember most from that day was that Hank, who was approaching 2.5 years old at the time, fell fast asleep on my lap in the middle of the party. He had already pretty much dropped the nap, so this was pretty unusual, and it felt so warm and good. Someone offered to move him off me, but I refused, waved that person off, and said, "Let's just leave him -- I may never have a child fall asleep on me again."

A few days later I found out I was pregnant again. We didn't really believe it, but as the weeks went on, it seemed that I was, in fact pregnant. Ultrasounds showed that things were growing on track, revealed heartbeats, and as time went on we began to get comfortable -- maybe we were finally going to get to have another baby? But at 10.5 weeks I began bleeding, and I knew immediately the pregnancy was over. I had to have a D&C, and the fetus was analyzed, and two weeks later we learned that the baby had three sets of chromosomes -- it never stood a chance of survival. It was devastating news. We had no idea how to proceed. It was Mother's Day week, and we went to Big Sur that weekend, lost ourselves in the coast, listed to songs that made us sob, returned home and tried to decide what to do next.

A few months later the decision was taken out of our hands -- to my huge surprise, I was pregnant again. My first thought was "how am I going to get through this?" Emotionally, I didn't feel prepared at all to wait through the first trimester, to make it viability, to survive a pregnancy. I was still feeling somewhat shattered from the last miscarriage, and this pregnancy now followed two miscarriages, which had been separated by 1.5 years of infertility. Needless to say, I was not feeling like I was very good at pregnancy, and my track record for success was pretty bad.

But here I am now, 26 weeks pregnant, feeling pretty confident that, come May, we will be welcoming a new baby to our family.

I won't lie -- there has been a lot of anxiety accompanying all this, especially in the early weeks. And still, whenever anything feels even a little bit off, I call the advice nurse immediately, but so far, so good. So if anyone is actually reading this, if you can spare some good thoughts for us -- good thoughts for a healthy, continuing pregnancy -- I would be most grateful.

In the meantime, our little Hank has grown so much, and is becoming so mature and is getting so big. It has been an unbelievable privilege to watch him leave baby and toddlerhood behind, and enter his little boyhood. He still has some of the Hankisms that I listed in my last post -- the word "orange" is still pronounced "oiange", "regular" is pronounced "weguly", and "San Francisco" is still "Sampancisco"; but he recently corrected my pronunciation of "samama" -- he told me that it is actually called "salame." Sniff!

He's also so physical - -it is incredible to see what he is able to do. He's always been a monkey, so much of this isn't all that surprising, but still -- seeing him fly down the fire pole at the playground over and over, when other kids his age seem terrified to even try it, blows my mind. He climbs so well, and regularly jumps from heights that are higher than he is while exclaiming "to infinity and beyond!!!" We get compliments on his abilities, vocabulary, and politeness all the time. At the playground he helps other kids learn how to do things, like go down the fire pole, and he is good at interacting with other kids who want to play with him. He makes friends everywhere. It is really lovely.

We are trying to get him mentally prepared for having a baby in the house, and he seems to be OK, even excited at times, with the whole idea of it. He often tells me that the baby can sleep in his tent with him, and sometimes when he hugs me, he tells me that it was actually a hug for the baby. He's been a little concerned about my morning sickness (which lasted until about a week ago), and would rub my back when I was sick, and would call out to Henry, "Daddy! Mommy's doing something! Mommy's barfing!!" (and incidentally, when I tell Hank that he will always be my baby, he now tells me, "yeah, yeah, but I don't make you barf anymore." Except for that time you brought stomach flu home from daycare, thank you very much...).

I've been lucky enough to be home with Hank for the last few months. I felt my job in San Francisco in November, and we pulled Hank out of daycare while I took some time to get my own practice started. Now that things have gotten off the ground, we are looking for preschool.

I'm really happy these days. I feel like we have finally gotten through that horrible trying-to-get-pregnant time and I feel like I am finally in control of my professional destiny. My family is a joy to me and I love our house. Our ornamental plum tree exploded in lavender flowers, today, and the entire neighborhood smelled like heaven. We've been in our house for a little over a year, and we are finally feeling like we are getting to know people in our community, and it is a wonderful thing to feel like I am happy exactly where I am, because I think I was struggling a lot over the last couple of years.

But things are good, if not downright lovely these days, and I would have been remiss had I not stopped by here to write it all out.

Some more Hankisms

2010-03-11T16:23:00.000-08:00

I feel like I must cherish every last drop of "baby" that is left in my precious boy, so here are a few more Hankisms that are still peppered here and there in Hank's speech.

oiange = orange
"happy balanz card" = happy valentines day card (a musical card he loves that plays "you are my sunshine" with a very happy sunshine and rainbow on the front)
Sampansisco! = San Francisco, as in "Do you know where mommy works?"

Branwyn informs me from London that "I wiggle!!" is an enduring Hankism in the Darlington household, following reading Hank the Matisse Dance For Joy book when they visited last summer.

Not really a Hankism, but when I pick him up from day care now, he exclaims with glee, "I MISS you today!!". He also has this sweet habit of coming up to me now, gluing himself to my legs, looking up with big eyes and saying, "I want to snuggle with mommmmmy." How to resist? One usually cannot.

Hank-isms

2010-03-02T08:26:00.001-08:00

Hank has really cut out most of his baby talk in the last couple if months. We are so proud of him and his vocal stylings, but I will absolutely miss some of those sweet little words. There are still a handful of Hank-isms that he uses regularly, so I thought I ought to write those down before he stops using them and I forget them, too.

I nuvoooo! (I love you)
Ookooneedee (ukulele)
Bing bed! (big bed = mama and daddy's bed)
Lastamando (San Fernando -- as in 'the last train to San Fernando')
Bankie (blankie, usually requested in conjunction with Touchdownbear)

--- Posting while on the go.

And on violin....

2010-02-23T21:16:00.000-08:00

One of my lesser known facts is that I played violin all through elementary school. My violin lives in a closet here at the house. Unlike most of the rest of the instruments around here, I haven't let Hank know about it because, well, it is a nice instrument, not a toy, and I haven't wanted him to get his hands on it.

Here's the part where I should tell you that Hank LOVES violins. He can pick a violin out when he hears one being played. He points at pictures of violins, and says, "Violin!!".

So tonight, Hank found my violin.

When he toddled into the kitchen with the case my first reaction was to take it right away from him, but he started asking me to open the case.

H: Mama, open it! Open it!
M: Hank, I think we are going to put this away. This isn't a toy.
H: Mama, it a ukuneenee?
M: No, Dolly, it isn't a ukulele.
H: It a guitar?
M: No, not a guitar.
H: It a guitar!!
M: No, it isn't. Can you guess what it is?
H: a guitar! A ukulele!
(As I unzip the case and pull out the violin): Will you be surprised if it is a VIOLIIN??
H (whispering in reverence): haaaaaa!!! violiiiiin!!!

After a Very Serious Discussion of How the Violin Is Not A Toy, I managed to squeak out a pathetic rendition of "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star". Then Hank sat down with me and we played the violin together. It was great.

Our kid has some talent. :)

Key to the Zoo

2010-02-16T17:52:00.000-08:00

Hank and I went to the zoo yesterday, where he got his first Key To The Zoo. He had a ball turning on all the story boxes, and then spent the rest of the day trying to use his key to turn on everything else around him, including yours truly!

--- Posting while on the go.

Hank makes a mean buttercream

2010-02-06T07:50:00.001-08:00

This must be a milestone of somekind, right? 27 months -- first time licking the beater. We were making a red velvet cake to take to a baby shower.

-

-- Posting while on the go.

The Games Hankie Plays

2010-01-31T09:47:00.000-08:00

Hank has really latched on to the idea of playing games and we are constantly coming up with new ones. Last night we played a game he "invented" that we are going to call Tackle Hug. I sit on the floor in the middle of the room. Hank backs up to the wall, revvs his engines, and then runs at me full steam ahead, tackles me, and gets a HUUUUGE hug. Rinse and repeat.

Last night we did this for about fifteen minutes straight. Over and over. The more we did it, the more excited we both got. At his most excited, Hank scampered to the side of the room, turned to me, started to get ready to run and tackle me, and exclaimed, "Hank LOOOOOVE HUGS!!!"
me: "I love hugs, too!!!"
Hank: "I love you!!!!!!!!!!"
Me: "I love you, too!!!!!"
Hank: "I love you I love you I love you!!! Hank tackle mama!!!"

It is a great game.

Earlier in the evening, Hank found me in the bathroom. He was dragging with him one of my sneakers, one of Henry's hiking boots, and a guitar. "THEEEEERE'S mama!!"

Fish on the Freeway!

2010-01-27T22:36:00.000-08:00

I wish I had a picture of this, but there was no way -- I was driving Hank down 880 a few mornings ago. In the thick of rush hour traffic, a large white van pulled along side us and slowly passed us on Hank's side of the car. As it pulled ahead of us, I saw that the van was towing a small trailer, the size of a large cooler. Only the trailer was an aquarium and it was full of fish swimming about! I wanted so badly to point it out to Hank, but I was worried he wouldn't see it, and would get upset and want to see the fish, so I bit my tongue. After a quiet beat, Hank shrieked a joyful shriek, and cried out, "look at the fissss!!!!", and cracked up!

Sand!!

2010-01-27T22:34:00.001-08:00

Sand!!, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

New Year's Day trip to the beach.