Nap Time Blues (Mommy's, that is...)

Dear Hank --

Why. WHY? Why won't you nap at home? I've been hiding in the back, listening to you NOT nap for the last twenty minutes. Why do I have to put you in the car and drive you around to get a nap out of you? Why, when you are clearly tired and sleepy, won't you just lie down in your little bed and go to sleep right there? Why, why, why? I haven't got it in me today to drive around for twenty minutes and then be stuck in the car while you sleep for the next 90, so please oh please just fall asleep in your nice little crib and we can all just call it a day.

Love,
Mommy

Gata gata paragata*

Green Gulch Zen Center, Jizo Garden, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

*'Gone, gone, completely gone' -- part of the chant that accompanies the mizuko jizo ceremony.

Yesterday we went out the the Green Gulch Zen Center in Marin County for an afternoon mizuko jizo ceremony. This is a Buddhist tradition of remembrance for children who have either not made it into life or who have died shortly after being born. We went to put a 'close' on our own experience with the miscarriage in December.

It was a very quiet experience. It took place part in a yurt and part outdoors in a lovely garden. In the yurt there were altars with statues of deities from numerous religious and spiritual traditions whose purpose is to watch over children. In the yurt, two female priests dressed in flowing black robes led us through a period of quiet contemplation during which each participant created an offering to leave for Jizo, the buddhist deity in charge of lost children. They provided red cloth, rosemary (the herb of remembrance), fresh wildflowers, needles and thread, and other supplies that we used to make our offerings. We made offerings to Jizo and prayer sticks, that would later be hung in a tree for the wind to carry away.

I spent much of the quiet/creation time feeling somewhat disconnected to what I was trying to accomplish, but when it came time to leave our offerings, and the lovely priests led us in the chant that I quoted above, I finally felt a sense of release that I think I had been hoping to feel for months. The words 'gata gata paragata' -- 'gone, gone, completely gone' hit me deeply and I remembered looking at the ultrasound and just blurting out 'it's gone!' and the sadness that followed that knowing. But in feeling these words again, a sense of realization washed over me that this experience really had been completely beyond my control, and with that release came one last explosion of grief and then, as the priests led us all in a procession down to the jizo garden, a calm sense of peace, acceptance, and opening filled me.

We walked to the jizo garden, which was tucked away behind a stand of bamboo, nestled in among the zen center's rows of lettuce, beets, fruit trees, and other crops. As we walked, the priest at the front of the procession rang a singing bowl, and the other rang an enormous bell that was hanging from a tree that we passed by. We ended in the garden where we all left a second offering in a large tree that was strewn with past offerings, all slowly being scattered into the wind. The sun was at a perfect bright angle, and everything around us was blue and vibrant green, and we were remembering these losses in a place that was simply abundant with life, regeneration, and renewal. The earth at our feet was exploding in food.

The most poignant moment of all this for me was when we, as a procession, crossed a small bridge that covered a fast flowing stream, racing to the ocean. The sun was glittering on the surface of the water, making it silver. The crossing struck me deeply because of the buddhist tradition that we flow in and out of an ocean of life, for many years the ocean deposits us, wave by wave, and then for many years, it slowly sweeps us back. While I'm not a religious person, I really like this idea, and I was glad that the water figured into our experience.

I am so grateful that we went to this ceremony. Neither of us think very much of the miscarriage anymore, but clearly a closure of sorts was still useful for us both. I was so sad to see so many people there -- there were lots of heartbroken people with us in that yurt, and we couldn't help but wonder on the way home how many of them were there for losses like ours, and how many had actually lost a flesh and blood child? I can't imagine the pain, and I don't want to. But I do hope that those families have found some peace.

Busy Bees

Some highlights of the last few weeks (which have had us running around like chickens with our heads cut off)...

Yosemite
We managed to pull off one more weekend getaway with our friends Melissa, Emmett and their kids. Despite Hank having an ear infection and some truly horrific weather, we still managed to have a really lovely time. Yosemite Valley was still blanketed in snow from a storm a few days earlier, and there wasn't any rain on Saturday. So that afternoon we were able to take all the kids out for a brief hike (Hank cried the whole time, I felt terrible!!), and over to a fantastic sledding hill alongside the road up to Mirror Lake. The hill was crawling with sledders, and it was really fun to be out there. Hank wasn't sure at first what to make of the whole snow thing, but after a little time he realized that falling into it wasn't so bad, and if he picked up a chunk and chewed on it, it even soothed his poor little teething gums. So, in the end, snow was a hit.

My favorite part of the weekend came at the end of the afternoon when we were strolling the Village. Everyone else was in the bookstore, and I was pushing Hank around outside in his stroller. There was a commotion up ahead as people started darting across the path with their cameras out. I pushed Hank over to see what the fuss was and it was a large buck, with a beautiful rack of antlers -- something I'd never seen. The buck started moving towards a nearby meadow, and Hank and I followed quietly behind it, trying to get a better look. After a few minutes the buck stopped to munch at a bush, and Hank and I got to get a really good view. We were no more than 10 feet away from it, and we could even hear it chewing. Hank, who was pretty sleepy, lifted his hand and pointed at the buck, and then fell fast asleep. It was a nice little moment to share, just the two of us.

Haircut
So Hank finally got a real, big boy haircut. I'm going to try to rustle up a photo to put here, but long gone is the mop-top-fifth-beatle look. I was pretty sad when we got home from the haircut place, but the new cut has grown on me, and he looks cute as can be. And it is so much easier to wash.

Hugs
Hank gives hugs now!! It is so, so sweet, just melts me. ooo! I have waited so long for this, and it was worth it.

Swimming
I've been taking Hank to swimming lessons on and off since he was 6 months old and this weekend, for the first time, he actually seemed to like it! Usually he clings to me for dear life and it is a bit like taking a cat swimming. This time he really enjoyed himself and it was more like taking an otter swimming.

Teeth Watch
We're up to four, now. The fourth one came in while we were in Yosemite -- no wonder he was so upset on our hike, and was loving eating the snow...

Playground

Playground, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

See? I promised I'd take some more pictures! This is one of my favorite of Hank's many faces. Cute as can be.

Hank's been up to all kinds of no good lately -- he loves to hurl things to the floor and then exclaim 'uh oh!', and he's learned to turn the light on in his room, just as he is supposed to be falling asleep. (that one was pretty funny actually -- he discovered the light switch, flipped it to the 'on' position, and made this horrible face when the light burst on -- now he knows, the switch makes light, and he'll point at the switch, and then point at the light, and so on and so forth). He's absolutely button and switch obsessed, and he's managed to tear several keys off my computer keyboard. Thank goodness Henry was able to reattach them, or I would have been down an 'S', 'Z', 'ctrl', and 'shift' at a minimum...

What else has he been up to? Oh -- he finally learned how to pet the cats and not annoy, hurt, or damage them! That was huge! It makes him so, so happy to pet the cats and have them stick around for the love. So great.

Toothwatch, 2009

Toothwatch 2009 continued today following a particularly brutal 2:30 am wake up that could only be soothed with Tylenol. In the light of day I noticed Hank's two front, bottom teeth poking through. Later in the day I believe I found a third tooth poking through on the bottom, bringing the grand total to four. Wow! He'll be all caught up to his younger friends in no time!

Some fun milestones to report. In the last couple of weeks Hank has done some funny things. At the ripe old age of 14 months...

1 -- Riding on a carousel without sitting on someone's lap. He sat on the horse (well, the pig), and held on to the pole, and went up and down as the carousel went round and round. I had my hand lightly on his back, but basically he did it all himself. He didn't look scared, but he was holding on to that pole for dear life -- his little finger tips were white, he was gripping so hard!

2 -- First time picking out produce at the grocery store. He pointed out the fruit and vegetables he wanted me to get for him. Blueberries, bananas, pears, and sweet potato. He practically threw himself out of the cart trying to get at the bananas (he often eats three a day).

3 -- First time walking in a parking lot (while holding my hand of course), into a building, waiting for the elevator, and riding in the elevator without being in a stroller or held. Very cool!

4 -- Putting two and two together -- looking through his books, Hank now notices things that are similar from page to page. Of particular curiosity to him is an illustration of the moon that comes up a few times in one book. We'll get to a page with the moon on it, it will capture his attention, and then he will flip through the book until he finds another page with the moon on it, pointing enthusiastically all the while. He does this with an animal book as well, in which he will often pick out all the pictures of cats, and then all the cat-like animals (the lion, the tiger) as well. Really, really cool!

5 -- First time tattling on something/someone else -- today Hank tattled on the diaper pail (after it fell on him when he pulled it over on top of him), and on Munchie. I hear a crash and a cry, and then all of a sudden Hank is behind me with a very sad look on his face, blinking back tears, urging me to come see the 'perp'. He points at the guilty party and looks at me to make sure I know who 'did it'. Mommy's little tattle tail...

Sorry there haven't been many pictures lately. Hank is totally obsessed with the camera and whenever I try to take a picture he notices immediately and becomes transfixed by the camera, and does whatever he can to take it away from me and smack it against the floor. Thus, the camera has been put away for a little while...

President Obama!

inauguration 005, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

Today we had the good luck to be able to all go together to a local BBQ joint to witness the inauguration of President Barack Obama. My mom and dad met up with us at our apartment at 7:30 this morning, and we had a raucous car ride into downtown Oakland -- there was a lot of excitement in the air. Everett & Jones, the local BBQ place, was hosting a free breakfast and several hundred people were there, crowded into the restaurant, to watch the proceedings together. There were old people, young people, black, white, asian, middle eastern, pretty much every kind of person you can imagine was present and accounted for, and everyone was pretty excited. We met our friends Torey and David down there, too, with their little baby boy, and we shared a bench with a view of a large screen. There was lots of cheering for the Obamas and the Bidens, and lots of boo-hissing for the outgoing administration, and plenty of tears. Torey and I were a complete mess while Aretha Franklin sang 'My Country Tis of Thee'. Everyone in the place went NUTS when the newscasters broke into Itzak Perleman and YoYo Ma's beautiful performance of John Williams' setting of 'Simple Gifts' (to which I walked down the aisle at my wedding) at noon to announce that even though the oath had not yet been administered, because the moment of noon had passed, Obama was officially the president. Talk about exciting.

There was a great buzz everywhere we went for the rest of the day. People all around me just seemed happy and there was lots of greeting strangers in the street with smiles and hellos. Much more than usual. We were all really happy to have been able to celebrate with family and friends at a big community event.

Later in the day I went to the grocery store. When I was checking out the girl bagging my groceries grumpily commented to the equally grumpy checker something to the effect of, 'they all seem to think Obama is, like, god or something, but nothing's really going to change.'. It happened so fast, as I was placing my bags in the stroller, that I didn't say anything, but as I walked home I started feeling kind of annoyed by the comment. I mean, can't we have one measly day to celebrate this massive milestone in our history without the cynicism? I'm pretty excited about Obama and the potential of this administration, but I don't have any delusions -- I mean there's only so much one person can do. Nevertheless, he's given me and the rest of his supporters a lot of hope. Anyway, I thought about the bagger and the checker my whole walk home. After getting inside and putting everything away, I was looking over my receipt. I noticed that the checker's name was 'Hope'. Ironic.

We spent the rest of the afternoon watching MSNBC coverage (how much do we love Keith Olberman and Rachel Maddow??), and rebroadcasts of the speech and poem (because I missed those -- Hank had had enough by the time those started!) (I LOVED the speech - especially the commitments made to science and the acknowledgment of us Americans who are 'nonbelievers' -- what a change already!), and enjoying the memories surrounding this day.

CHOMP CHOMP

One more quick post before calling it a day over here... To celebrate his 14 month-iversary today, Hank sprouted two teeth! For real! He's finally got teeth! And they are so cute! Exclamation point! Finally! Finally! He's like a REAL boy! We haven't managed to snap a photo yet, but we'll capture them on 'film' as soon as we can. They are coming in on top, I think the canines. Looks like teeny tiny fangs. I think I'll call him 'Fang' until more come in. I can't believe he's been working on these since he was 3 1/2 months old. Finally!

Now if he would just give me a kiss, I would be in heaven this week.