Too Much Time On My Hands

Mommy needs a drink!!!!

well, maybe not if she's still on codeine (see below!)

So, if I thought I had too much time on my hands last time I posted to the blog, I had no idea. NOW I've really got too much time on my hands because I've been laid off from my job! Not enough clients to keep me on board. It has been about a week, so the initial shock and ego-bruise has worn off, but wow did that experience take the wind out of my sails. I don't want to write too much about the experience, but suffice it to say in the end this will have been a blessing rather than a curse. I was hoping to ride my last job through a second pregnancy, and I'm sad to be forced to give up the flexibility I had at that firm, but it has been clear to me for quite a long time that I had reached the end of my road there and it is time to move on. I'm always going to be glad that I stayed there for as long as I did because I think I finally found a practice area that interests me for the long term. But like I said I'm not going to write much more about that -- I'm just going to get organized to move on and find something to do that I can truly sink my teeth into and fully enjoy. (a side note -- it has only been a week since I lost my job, but one thing I've already gleaned from the experience is that I do want to have a fulfilling career outside the home -- this probably seems obvious to some, but it hasn't been obvious to me since Hank was born. I've been pretty confused, actually, about my professional role versus my personal role and this experience has helped me gain some clarity).



Big Sur

We took Hank on his first trip to Big Sur two weekends ago -- it was so fun to explore with him! We took him all over the coast -- down south to Julia Pfeiffer Burns State Park (where Henry asked me to marry him lo those many years ago), north to Andrew Molera State Beach (where we hiked a couple of miles through coastal forest and chapparel to a windswept beach), to drinks and dinner at Nepenthe (where Hank handled the fine dining experience like a pro!), to lounging on the lawn at the Big Sur River Inn (where Hank waded in a river for the first time and devoured an entire banana without any help from either one of us). It was truly a lovely trip.



Surgery

In other news, I had surgery last week to remove my gallbladder. I've been pretty sore, but I'm recovering smoothly. Today I feel like I felt worse than the day before, but tonight I'm feeling pretty good again. I can't do a whole lot for Hank yet and I won't be able to lift him for a few more weeks, but we are doing really well even with the changes in our routines. Henry has been a total champ, as have been my parents, and my moms' group friends have been an incredible support -- they've been bringing meals and will be helping out with Hank. We are truly blessed in the friends and family department.



Walking!!!

Hank is walking! We've seen him go up to five steps before falling, and he's turned into a total pro at walking with assistance -- up until today we would walk behind him while holding both his hands above his head, but tonight he refused all but one finger's worth of assistance. We cannot believe it -- he's like a Real Boy now.



With each day that passes now I look at him and the teeny baby he once was seems further and further away, and I can't believe that there was a time that he wasn't even part of our lives. He's such a full-fledged little kid now -- with opinions and desires and undying curiosity. Everyday he's learning something new and testing his limits and boundaries in new ways. Obviously we encourage all of this heartilly, but I admit a little part of me misses those cuddly baby days when he would sleep for hours on my chest. But I wouldn't trade the Hank of Today with anything, because I know that tomorrow he'll be different yet again.



Ahhhhh, baby love.

I'm just a posting fool!

Do I have too much time on my hands, or just some extra energy? Not sure, but figure I may as well keep the blog up to date when I can, so here goes another post!

Hank had three cool 'firsts' this week. I already wrote about the haircut. Second, there was his first rock concert! We took him with us on Thursday night to see the Counting Crows play in Concord. We got lawn seats so it wouldn't be too loud, and Hank was able to crawl around and enjoy himself. It was really fun.

But the coolest 'first' this week was Hank's first steps! I wouldn't go as far as to say he's walking yet, but he will take a couple of steps without holding on to anything, or touching anything. It is really cool! The first time he did it I was sitting on the floor in the living room. He was pulling up on the glider, pushing it back and forth. He then pivoted towards me, raised his arms into the air, and then took two steps towards me, and -- plop!-- landed on his bottom. I was so delighted! Hank was grinning and giggling, like he knew he had done something really important. I swooped him up in my arms and gave him tons of kisses and an airplane ride to celebrate. Hooray for steps!

Overall, Hank has just been so much fun to be around these days. I can hardly get enough of him, I just want to snuggle him up and play and play. He's mostly been sleeping through the night again, but a couple of nights ago he needed me to sleep on his floor with him again, and I admit, I'd kind of missed it.

Love, love, love being a mama.

Dear Hank...

... GET TIRED AND GO TO SLEEP!!! It is 9 pm. It is way past bed time. In fact, it is pretty much my bed time. Yet you are still putt putting around your room, in jammies, in the dark, chit chatting like bed time is a foreign concept. Oh good. You just whimpered. I swear you were rubbing your eyes an hour ago... Oh thank goodness, you are rubbing your eyes again. Perhaps you will sleep soon.

Love,
Mommy

PS: if we could avoid the late night/early morning slumber party tonight, that would be delightful. Smooches. Go to bed.

The month in photos...

I think this is my favorite photo of Hank from the last month. He looks happy like this almost all the time. We are so lucky. He laughs a lot, talks a lot, claps his hands all the time, is starting to wave hello and goodbye, and says 'Mama!' and 'Dada!' He can sign 'milk' and we are working on 'book', 'cat', 'more', and 'food'. He's very communicative and makes no qualms about telling us what he wants or what is on his mind.

Of course he's also become very mommy-centric this month, and he's started to exhibit some serious separation anxiety. So very often he does more than his fair share of screaming and crying (this is usually when he says 'mama, mama, mama, mama!!!!' over and over again). Actually, the first time he did this at a day care drop off, I was so surprised that he was upset that I was leaving that I stopped and looked at him and he crawled over to me, babbling and crying and tried to climb up my legs. I had to pry him off in order to leave. :( it was sad! The only way to temper this when we are at home (because he does it when he is on one side of his gate and I am on the other) has been to take a stab at babyproofing the living room. I'm sure it could be made safer, but for the time being it is ok. He loves to cruise around in here, and we got a long tunnel that he loves to go through. One of the best games these days is for me to go to one end, wait for him to start crawling towards me, and then I zip over to the other end so that when he gets to where he thinks I am waiting he finds that he has to turn around and come find me again. It must be a little infuriating for him, but it is funny as hell for us! Mean mommy....

Oh and all that sleep training I wrote about a month ago has gone out the window... between a cold that won't go away, the teething that never seems to end, and being on the brink of learning to walk, this kid just won't sleep these days. Life is far too exciting. Which means 4:30 am seems like a perfectly good and reasonable time to get up in the morning, which means we;ve had to spend a lot of wee hours trying to sleep on his floor while he putters around his room around us, and sometimes curls up next to us to nap.


























The diaper pail, while perhaps not so hygenic, is a great place to hang out and pick up chicks... 'Hey, baby!'















I try not to get too political here on the blog, but I love this picture of my moms' group with all the babies dressed in their Obama onesies. I wish the quality were a little better, and that some people hadn't been cut out, but it is a pretty good picture of Hank and all his baby friends.















'What should I play with first???' Decisions, decisions...
















This is a photo of Hank and Riley mere moments before Hank's first cat scratch. Poor baby! We felt terrible! But he bounced back quickly and just adores the cats. The cats are not so crazy about Hank. Hank is quick, though, and he chases them all over the living room. They can barely get out of his way.

Post Xmas Haze

We are in a post-xmas haze around here. Henry's family has come and gone, we had a great time with them, and are still so glad they were able to make the trip again so soon after thanksgiving. We're feeling a bit zonked, though, but things are still really wonderful. Almost two weeks has passed since my last entry, and I didn't want much more time to go by before posting again, but I'm not feeling all that eloquent these days, so I'll just list some highlights.

Hank has become really smiley in the last few days. On xmas morning Henry and I were hovering over him at his changing table and he really and truly SMILED at us both -- real, full, giant, genuine, happy smiles! This was the best christmas gift. Hank has sort of smiled here and there, but this was the first 'hey! I know you and I LIKE you!' smile we've seen. Melted my heart.

On the flip side, today Hank had his first super sad face. He was bundled into his baby bucket ready to go out to breakfast, and he was so unhappy. His lower lip was pushed out over his upper lip, and he just looked soooo sad to be in his bucket. This face just broke my heart! Henry said to me "He's playing you like a two dollar fiddle!"

Another first in the last couple of weeks was rolling from front to back during tummy time! That's been pretty exciting. Especially when he realizes what he's done and wants to do it again and somehow has communicated to us that he wants us to put him back on his tummy so he do it again.

And of course it was Hank's first xmas. He made out like a bandit, the little devil. Everyone likes to give presents to babies.

In other news, breastfeeding is still causing me woes. I decided to stop taking the reglan, because I think it was causing me to feel somewhat depressed. I've been off it for 24 hours now, and I really do feel better already. I'm using fenugreek still (and smell like pancakes as a result), and have added blessed thistle and a mother's milk tincture to the routine. Those things seem to be helping and making a difference. However, I'm still finding breastfeeds really stressful. Hank pulls off a lot, has been having trouble getting a good latch lately, cries out while trying to eat, feeds very frantically, and pulls and chews at my nipples. It really leaves me feeling flustered. I find that when I give him a bottle I enjoy the time and the feeding so much more than I do when he's on the boob. As a result, I've rented a hospital grade breast pump and I am going to start doing some feeds with bottles of expressed breast milk instead of the boob at each feeding. I'm hoping that as a result I'll be able to relax a little about the breastfeeding, but at the same time I'm also sort of wishing that I could just make the decision to wean and use formula exclusively. Would that really be so wrong? There's a lot of guilt just in thinking that thought, but it is honestly what I've been thinking these days. There's a lot of pressure to breastfeed exclusively and to keep trying even when it can be so difficult. And the actually goal -- FEED THE BABY -- seems to get lost in some of that. I'm still grateful for the one lactation consultant who told me that my only requirement is that I feed the baby. Just feed the baby. So I just feed the baby. Some days he gets more formula, some days he gets more booby. Somedays it will be pumped, somedays it won't. And someday I'll just be able to make a decision about how he's fed.

In better news, a few days ago I realized just how head over heels in love I am with Hank. It is a totally different kind of love than I have ever experienced before, and it is so so neat. I really feel these days that I would do anything in the world for him.

Well look at that. I was feeling more eloquent that I thought I was.

Santa and Hank

Santa and Hank, originally uploaded by hjw3001.

Just wanted to add Hank's first picture with Santa. "Firsts" are coming fast and furious these days, and keeping track of them is fun. Another first this week was the first real bath. I had reall worked myself up into a lather over what this was going to be like. I was really anxious about how it would go -- would he hate it? would he get hurt or burned? Turns out he was just kind of amused by the whole thing, and very mellow. I don't know what I was woking myself up about because in the end it was nothing remarkable. It was fun however to watch Hank encounter the water. He seemed a little puzzled, but also somewhat familiar with it -- maybe he was remembering what it was like to float around in his amniotic sac?

Another first this week was Hank grabbing my hair and tugging it. He's done this a few days in a row now, so I am convinced it was not a fluke.

One Month Old!

Hank turned one month old yesterday. He celebrated by entering a growth spurt, which means nearly non-stop eating, sleeping when he is not eating, and generally just being pretty upset when not doing either. It makes me so sad to not be able to calm him, and I can't imagine what it must be like to have a baby who is colicky, as this is hard enough! I hope the spurt only lasts a day or two more, because it is starting to wear me out (which I feel sad saying, but it is the truth). I think we are probably in the home stretch as he did have one brief period this evening where he was his friendly, mellow self, and I was like "my sweet little baby boy, you are back!!" and then he got hungry and upset again. :( so we are just trying to keep him fed, calm, and clean, and hoping that he'll get through this all with flying colors. He's certainly gotten bigger in the last few days...

We also celebrated by picking up Grandma and Grandpa and going to meet Santa! It was so much fun! Hank was a champ -- he actually slept right through the whole thing. The Santa was really good with him, and held him really gently and carefully, and we got great pictures.

I also spent a lot of time yesterday thinking about the birth again. I re-read Hank's birth story and kind of marveled at all that happened on that single day, and all that has happened since then. On one hand it feels like time has flown by in the last month, on the other hand it feels like it was a reall, reeeeaallly long looooonnngg month... But life is good, and we really don't have anything to be complaining about.

Four Weeks Old!

"Holy cow, I'm four weeks old!!"

Not technically a month old yet, but we are celebrating already anyhow. I really can't believe we've gotten through four weeks. Those first couple of weeks were really so hard and so exhausting, but Henry and I are both feeling like we've gotten through it relatively unscathed. We both still have days where one or both of us is just exhausted, but for the most part we are functioning at a fairly high level and doing pretty well. I think we are a good team!

Hank's started to get a little fussy and keep wondering what's happened to my mellow little boy? We've been trying to master the Happiest Baby On The Block techniques, for the most part they work. He also like bouncing with one of us on the yoga ball, rocking in the glider, and (when he's already feeling calm) his swing. We still break out the ocean sounds CD from time to time, and sometimes he just really wants to be cuddled -- so I'll wrap him up in a meitai or a pouch/sling and wear him around the house until he conks out.

Earlier this week we took him to see an ear nose and throat specialist on the recommendation of the lactation consultant, who thought Hank might have a slight tongue tie which would contribute to some of the breastfeeding problems we've been having. The ENT, however, didn't think there was a problem, so was unable to help us. If there had been a tongue tie, we would have had Hank's frenulum clipped. The doctor offered to clip it anyway, but absent a problem, we couldn't see any reason to have Hank undergo surgery (albeit minor surgery). So the next day it was back to the lactation consultant who really has been quite helpful. I'm now holding him differently when he's at the breast and he seems to be getting more to eat that way. We still have to supplement, but I think I am finally OK with that.

Let's see, what else has been going on... On Monday night Hank went to his first concert! He went with us to the UC Choral Ensembles' Holiday Concert. He got to hear Grandma and Grandpa sing. Henry wore him in a meitai, and he stayed asleep and quiet for most of the concert. He really did so well, we were so proud. Also, Hank and I have started taking morning walks together. Usually we use our walk as an excuse to run an errand or two, and I am really coming to cherish the time we spend out and about. It really is fun for me, and I hope it is fun for him.

He's so cute... he's hanging out in his swing right now looking all around and totally mellow. Uh oh... I spoke too soon... the baby went off! gotta go...

Three Weeks and Four Days

Well, over here we can't believe we've made it through the first few weeks. We got through the first two weeks, which so many people had warned us would really be the worst, and things did start to get easier and more predictable. I'm still having trouble finding time for myself (hence me sitting here posting to the blog at 4 in the morning while the baby is sleeping --- and I should be sleeping too!!), but the trade off has been worth it for now and I am sure I'll be able to strike a balance one of these days. I've been feeling guilty because I haven't managed to make time to write and send thank you notes to all those wonderful people who have given us things for Hank, and have done so much to help us get through these first few weeks. Hopefully in the next couple of days I can manage to get started on that. Hank still sleeps a lot, and I'm getting more comfortable wearing him in a sling/pouch contraption, which frees my hands up for other things -- like writing thank you notes!

I've truly been overwhelmed by people's generosity and their desire to help and support us these days. It has actually really touched me deeply and I've been so grateful. This can be a really difficult time, sometimes feeling lonely, and it has helped so much to have people drop by with meals or just to say hello. I really don't know what we would do without my parents these days. Last weekend I actually spent a night in the emergency room, and Hank spent the night with my parents. We were really lucky to have them here, and although it was so sad for me to spend a night away from my baby, I knew he was safe and in good hands with my mom and dad. We've spent a couple more nights at their house since then, and those nights have been really restorative and restful for me and for Henry. Hank sleeps in the Pack N Play in my parents' room, and my mom brings him to me for night feedings, and helps out with the bottle and changing him. It has been good for me to spend the time there, and Hank has been having fun with his Grandma and Grandpa.

The emergency room, you say? Why yes... Last weekend I was experiencing excruciating back and abdominal pain, and when I started vomiting we decided something was really amiss. So Henry took me to the emergency room where they kept me all night long as they did some ultrasounds which ultimately revealed gallstones. I was much more upset about having to leave Hank for a night than I was about having gall stones! It actually really broke my heart. I knew he was in good hands, but I certainly had never imagined that my son would spend his first night away from me at only 2 1/2 weeks old. He did beautifully, though, and as for me, no surgery is necessary at this time. I'm modifying my diet a bit, and doing some investigation into whether the gall bladder problem played any role in how sick I was during the pregnancy. If I find out there is any link, I will schedule the surgery and make sure it is done before we try to have another child.

In Hank's world, he's just been getting bigger and bigger. The initial problems he had with losing weight have been reversed -- this week at his check up he had gained all the weight he'd lost back, and then some. I am sure by now he is over ten pounds. He's just getting bigger and bigger. I look at him often and think to myself, 'soak this in, Sara, because he's never going to be this tiny again.' I noticed in the last couple of days that his nose and his chin have both grown and are no longer the teeny tiny nose and chin I gave birth to. He's also starting to develop and show signs of becoming a full fledged human being someday. Two days ago he started to figure out that his hands are in fact HIS HANDS and that he can use them -- for example he actually pressed a pacifier against his mouth to keep it from falling out, and he grabs on to things (mostly our fingers) and holds on as if for dear life. He also follows things with his eyes from one place to another now -- things like his little toy elephant that jingles when you shake it, and a set of big plastic keys. My very favorite thing he's done lately though was to smile at me when I came to get him yesterday morning. He actually, truly, looked happy to see me. It just warmed my heart.

Breastfeeding remains a big challenge, but we are doing the best we can. I'm taking fenugreek and reglan and drinking mother's milk tea and pumping a few times a day. It seems that I'm making more milk, but Hank is still a sort of lazy sucker. He latches on like a champ (and actually reminds me of a little prizefighter entering the ring when he gets ready to latch on), but he gives up sucking after only a few minutes, so we are still having to supplement him. We are seeing an ear/nose/throat doctor on monday to evaluate his tongue tie. What we've been told so far is that he is borderline, and this could be impacting both his ability to feed off the breast efficiently, as well as my supply. Clipping his frenullum would go a long way towards solving the problem for both of us, and apparently is really easy on the baby. So we'll see.

I've got to start taking more pictures and video of Hank. Henry takes a lot of photos, so we do have the beginnings of a pretty good archive. He just changes so much, so quickly, every day --sometimes even within the same day he's changed and grown. It is amazing to watch this happen right in front of my eyes. We are so lucky.

Two Weeks!

Hank is two weeks old today! I am happy today to mark the milestone, as everyone tells me the first two weeks are the hardest -- in fact one girlfriend described the first two weeks as "grim". And truly, in many respects, the first two weeks were pretty grim, albeit interspersed with some really wonderful moments.

Henry, Hank, and I are all getting to know each other. In the calmer moments, we actually seem to enjoy parenting quite a lot, and neither Henry nor I can imagine life without Hank. There is usually one point in the morning where we are all together, no one is tired, no one is crying, and we are all feeling happy. This morning it was during "tummy time" -- we had Hank on the floor on a blankie so he could exercise his head and neck muscles, and at the end of tummy time we washed his hair again. We love washing his hair and combing it into funny shapes. He is pretty tolerant, but doesn't like it all that much, but we more than make up for it at the end by bundling him up in a towel and giving him all kinds of hugs and kisses. We love him so.

There's been a lot of hard stuff, too. The sleep deprivation has been a real challenge, but we seem to be getting through that fairly well. The hardest thing has been breastfeeding -- well, not the breastfeeding so much, as the fact that Hank still hasn't gained back any of the weight he lost after being born. We've seen lactation consultants and pediatricians and everyone has different advise. For me this has been extremely emotional and upsetting. We have to supplement every meal of my breastmilk with formula. The first time we had to do this it just broke my heart -- not so much that we were giving him formula, but that I felt like I was failing at feeding my kiddo. Like I said, this has been an extremely emotional and difficult thing for me to go through, but by the same token I also know that we need to do whatever we have to do to get Hank to put on weight and start growing. We go to Kaiser again tomorrow for a weight check, so hopefully we will see some forward progress. I will just fall apart if he's lost again, though.

Another hard thing has just been the hormonal crash I've been on. Luckily I was warned about this in advance so I was expecting it. But it has been quite a roller coaster, with lots of tears and headaches and (the worst part) night sweats and anxiety dreams from which I wake up thinking I've been nursing Hank in bed and can't find him in the sheets and blankets. I wake up soaking wet and freezing cold.

But like I said, for every hard moment there has been an equally lovely one. Everyday Hank looks older and wiser and begins to show signs of interacting with the outer world. He makes all kinds of new sounds, including this high pitched shriek that has earned him a few new nicknames -- Pterodactyl, Dinosaur, Mommy's Little Bird of Prey. And even when he's screaming bloody murder on his changing table, I'll look down at him and just sigh and say "he is just soooo cuuute!!!" Some days I can't even believe that I made him. I am completely in love. Other new nicknames include The Boob, Little Boob, Pumpkin, and Hiccupy Hank (which will also make an excellent cowboy name one day).

Over the last couple of weeks I've been remembering a couple of things I keep meaning to write down. These details are probably meaningless to anyone other than myself, but they were observations I made and when I notice these things again they will remind me of this massive life transformation.

1. Persimmons. Early in the pregnancy I looked out the bedroom window on to the neighbor's persimmon tree. It was still late spring, but tiny green persimmons had begun to grow. I remember looking at the fruit, and placing a hand on what would become Hank in my belly, and thinking, 'when those persimmons are ready to be picked, this baby will be ready to be born.' Throughout the pregnancy I watched those persimmons grow. In the last weeks the persimmons turned bright orange, and I started seeing persimmons for sale in grocery stores. The weekend before Hank was born the neighbors were outside picking their persimmons, and I just knew it was time.

2. Fingernail moon. When we were driving to labor and delivery the night before Hank was born, there was a tiny sliver of a fingernail moon hanging in the sky. This has always been my favorite moon. We had a fingernail moon grace our wedding, so these are meaningful for us. By the time Hank was born the next afternoon, it was a crystal clear perfect fall day.

Happy One Week Birthday to Hank!

Nov. 21, 2007

Dear Hank –

Today you are one week old! Your dad and I sang happy birthday to you at 1:49 this afternoon as we were driving down Broadway on our way home from seeing the lactation consultant. She’s helping us figure out what to do to feed you really well so you grow big and strong and stay healthy.

We can’t believe it has already been a week. We are all smitten with you and fall more and more in love with you every day. We are also so surprised to see how much you have already changed! When you were first born you would make little squeaky noises – now you tell ferociously loud, making me think you got the Raymond Family Lungs. You like to eat, and we’ve figured out how to get you to sleep without having us hold you – we play the radio on static. It is still hard for me to sleep, mostly because I want to be sure you are OK all hours of the night, but I am glad you are sleeping and growing. You have all kinds of funny expressions – when you are sleeping you squash up your face and look really angry – we call this Pissed Off Baby. And then there’s Suspicious Baby, where you squish your lips together, open your eyes really narrowly, and dart them back and forth.

We’ve got tons of nicknames for you too – Hank A Poo, Hank A Doodle, Doodle, Doodle Bug, Poodle, Noodle, Potato, Sweet Potato, Hot Potato, Potato Bug, Bug, and Buddy. My favorite is Potato.

I’m enjoying you so much, and already I can’t imagine my life without you in it. I can’t wait for milestones like recitals and graduations and your wedding.

Lots of love,
Mom

Baby Hank Is Born!

On Wednesday, November 14, 2007 at 1:49 pm Henry Raymond Wagner burst into this world following 4 hours and 49 minutes of labor.

The long story begins a few days before then, early in the morning the Saturday before, when I woke up to what I thought were contractions. We even went as far as to have our doula come over to assist, because we really thought this was it, and it seemed that things were moving swiftly. But by 4 a.m. the contractions had stopped completely, and we chalked it up to false labor caused by dehydration – par for the course seeing as I had still been vomiting that day, and the ‘episode’ was in fact inspired by a bout of nausea at 12:30 a.m. during which I threw out my upper back (as an aside, I remember thinking at that time that if labor pains were going to be that far up my back an epidural, if needed, would have to be started in my neck!).

The next evening we made a visit to labor and delivery so I could get IV fluids – I can’t believe that was the first time during my pregnancy that I went in for fluids! I felt like a new woman the next day, and Henry and I were able to get the last of the baby errands accomplished, and the last of the organizing finished. I spent the next couple of days cleaning and putting things away, and I was hell bent on finishing reading Jon Krakauer’s “Into Thin Air”.

On Tuesday morning I refused to get out of bed until I had turned the last page. I knew that that morning I had to take a shower, finish cleaning the bathroom, clean out the refrigerator, and go to Whole Foods to pick up some things that our doula suggested we have on hand for early labor and recovery. I got through the shower and cleaning the bathroom. At about 11:15 I had just about finished cleaning out the refrigerator when I felt a gush, thought maybe I had wet my pants, and then another much larger gush, which made me realize instantly that my water had broken! Immediately I was seized with a surge of adrenaline the likes of which I have never experienced. I called Henry at work and said “It’s time! My water broke!” I called Treesa, my doula. I called my parents. And then I waited.

Henry made his way home after stopping at Whole Foods – he was laden down with rootbeer and comfort foods, and was nervous and excited as I was too. But nothing was happening. Every so often I’d leak more fluids, but contractions never came. Late in the afternoon I started bleeding bright red blood. We called Treesa to ask her about the bleeding and she suggested we go to labor and delivery to rule out any complications. There were still no contractions, but off to L&D we went.

At L&D they put me on monitors and everything looked fine. The midwife who worked with us, Adele, ruled out any complications and also agreed that although my water had broken, I wasn’t technically in labor yet. We discussed the pros and cons of staying at the hospital or going home. Even though we had everything with us that we needed for the hospital stay, we elected to go home. I had really hoped for a fully natural childbirth, and we knew that if we stayed that night, they would likely want to induce As Soon As Possible due to hospital policies concerning the length of time that had passed since my water had broken, and I felt like I still hadn’t given my labor enough of a chance to get started.

Before we could leave, though the OB/GYN on call had to come read me a riot act about all the bad things that could happen if I left, and warn me that I was Leaving Against Medical Advice, and made me sign all kinds of waivers. When we finally walked out the door I wasn’t sure what to think, but I was pretty sure that I wasn’t going to die (which was one of the possible outcomes the doctor had mentioned in her diatribe).

We got home around ten and on Treesa’s advice decided not to try any natural induction methods, and just get some sleep instead. I had a hard time though because every now and then a contraction would wake me up, but they never got regular. At 5:00 a.m. I woke Henry up and said “We’ve got to go back to the hospital”. Even though my labor still hadn’t gotten under way, I had reached the limit of my comfort zone, and I couldn’t wait any longer.

At labor and delivery they were waiting for us, so we skipped triage and were taken right to a labor room. I saw Adele, who was about to finish her shift, as we arrived, and said to her “we’re back”. She came to our room to talk with us about the next steps. She helped me decide that a low dose of pitocin would be the right thing to do. We made a few phone calls to family, checked in with Treesa who was on her way (and also helped me feel a lot better about the decision to use pitocin), and then I spent a little time adjusting to the change in plans and getting comfortable with it (I admit, I was feeling a little disappointed about deciding to use the pitocin, and I was terrified that it was going to lead to a string of interventions ending in an emergency c-section, and this all took some getting used to).

At 9:00 a.m. they started the pitocin. I was happy to find that one of our nurses was Jennifer, the same nurse who helped me with the IV fluids a couple of nights before. She and the other nurse (also Jennifer) were both terrific and made me feel really comfortable. The midwife who would actually be attending the delivery, Lorraine, was wonderful from the get go, and also made me feel good about my decision to use the pitocin. Treesa arrived just as the pitocin was starting to work, and she and Henry made an amazing team right from the start. The labor pains were strong to start with and Henry and Treesa worked together to help me be as comfortable as I could be for as long as possible. At some point my parents showed up. My dad went out to the waiting room pretty quickly, but my mom wound up staying for the entire labor and delivery, something that I am very happy about.

My recollection of how things went from about 10 a.m. on gets pretty fuzzy, pretty fast. I know that at some point they turned the pitocin from a 2 to a 4 to a 6 and then back to a 2. I know that I detested the sensation of the monitors strapped around my abdomen and begged during each contraction to have them removed, as they sat right on the spot in my back that hurt the most during each contraction. I remember Henry and Treesa helping me to breathe each time the pain got to be too much. I remember projectile vomiting when contracting on my hands and knees. I remember being in the bathroom with Treesa and asking her if I was delirious and her telling me in a comforting way that I was just in labor and helping me get back in my body and back with my breath as the strength of the contractions continued to skyrocket and the pain became more and more unimaginable and indescribable. I remember being so surprised by how the contractions felt. I remember asking Treesa when I was going to start feeling empowered, like the women in Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth. I also remember telling Treesa that Ina May could shove her book up her ass. I remember my friend Beth coming by with lunch for Henry and yelling that she couldn’t come in. I remember feeling like everything was spiraling so far beyond my grasp, and the terror that came with that. I remember saying to Treesa “I think I’m having a panic attack” during one of the worst contractions, Treesa placing a finger on my forehead and instructing me to open my eyes, look at her, and breath. I did, and it worked.

At about this time I also remember being told I was at 5 cm dilation and thinking there was no way I could make it to 10 if it was only going to get more intense from there. I asked Treesa to talk to me about an epidural, and hearing my mom ask if there was just some drug we could use to take the edge off instead. We decided to use fentanyl, and within seconds of the drip starting I was able to get a break for the first time in my labor. For the next 15 minutes I rode the contractions, which were coming with more intensity and velocity, but nearly slept between each one. And then all of a sudden I had to push in a way I’ve never had to push before, and I could not wait.

Henry tells me that the nurses and Lorraine sprang into action to get ready for the actual delivery. Someone did an internal exam to verify that I was in fact ready to push, but I was already crowning. Treesa took the camera and she and Lorraine coached me through the pushing. Henry had one of my legs and my mother had the other. I pushed through about 12 contractions and Hank was born, wiggling and purple, and just about the most beautiful thing I had ever seen in my life. Henry discovered the sex and announced it was a boy as Hank cuddled and wiggled and hiccupped on my chest. The time was 1:49 p.m. He weighed 9 lbs 13.6 oz, and was 22.75 inches long.

I’d had some tearing, so as Lorraine stitched me up we got to know Hank who was so warm and squishy on my chest. Everything had happened so fast that I hadn’t even been able to take off my bra, so one of the nurses cut it off so we could be skin to skin and Hank could search out my nipple and eat for the first time. My mom told me during this time that as the baby was crowning all she could think was how big its head was. She also said Lorraine sort of massaged it into a cone as it was coming out, making the delivery easier (you’d never know this from looking at him – his head is a round as can be). They had offered me a mirror during the pushing, but I refused it, knowing I wouldn’t have the ability to concentrate on pushing if I’d had the distraction of watching the baby crown (so I reached down to touch his head instead, which felt like a water balloon). Lorraine worked the placenta out and showed it to us – it was huge! No wonder I’d been so sick for so long!

It has been a few days and I have been feeling so relieved that the entire experience – from pregnancy to delivery – is over. Simultaneously I’ve also felt so grateful for the people who helped me survive the experience. We returned to the hospital yesterday for Hank’s two-day check up, and just driving up to the parking garage I felt a surge of emotion – relief that I was not coming to make another pregnancy related visit, love for the child in the car seat next to me, gratitude for my extraordinarily loving and kind husband, thankfulness for my entire family. Tears were pouring out of my eyes. This whole thing has been such a ride that it has been hard for me to express what it feels to be at the end of it. I find it equally impossible to express what it feels like to be at the beginning of the rest of it.