Nearly Three Months

Beckett, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

I cannot believe that eleven weeks have passed since we met Beckett. The last eleven weeks have been filled with highs, lows, scary moments, and lots of joy to balance it all out. I regret that I haven't made the time to write more regularly in these last weeks, because it has truly passed in a blur. The fourth trimester has nearly passed, and I don't know where it went.

Over all, we have been lucky -- Beckett had a rough start his first few weeks, but the closer we come to three months, the mellower he's become, and we seem to have a lovely, pleasant, smiley baby on our hands, and I just feel so blessed.

The only moment I remember vividly in the first few days that we were home from the hospital, was the moment Beckett stopped breathing in my arms. He was eight days old at the time, and I had just fed him and changed his diaper. I picked him up off the bed where we were sitting, and all of a sudden his tiny body went stiff and twisted, his eyes bugged out of his head, and he turned purple. He wasn't breathing, and stayed that way for several seconds. Inside I was panicking, outside I was panicking. I was crying, "BREATHE!! BECKETT, BREATHE!!!" Henry was upstairs and came running, and whacked Beckett on the back, getting him to breathe again. Mere seconds passed by before it all happened again. I got on the phone with 911 and paramedics arrived very quickly. By then, Beckett was back to himself, but the paramedics said that it sounded like he had had a seizure, and strongly recommended that we take him to the ER. So off to the ER we went.

At the ER they took him in right away, and immediately wanted to rule out seizure disorders. They gave our tiny baby a spinal tap, drew blood from him, ran an IV line, and catheterized him to take a urine sample. The pediatrician kept talking about seizures and admitted him so that he Beckett could be given IV antibiotics and be in the hospital for some other tests, such as a brain scan.

We spent six days in the hospital on the pediatric ward. The first 36 hours were terrifying for us. By the end of those 36 hours, they had ruled out seizure disorders and meningitis, but they had diagnosed Beckett with a urinary tract infection. Subsequent tests, including an ultrasound and a scan involving dye being injected into his bladder, fortunately ruled out any structural problems with his kidneys and bladder. Six weeks of antibiotics later, he was finally given a clean bill of health.

Beckett's illness and hospitalization combined with his high birthweight also caused him to lose a significant chunk of weight in his first two weeks, and it took eight weeks to get him back to his birth weight. It wasn't until then that I finally felt like I could begin to relax and enjoy and get to know Beckett. And he is wonderful.

He smiles and everything lights up. He can almost laugh. He has a fuzzy blue blankie that he loves and likes to hold. He adores Hank. When he farts, he smiles happy smiles.

Hank is growing into his role as big brother beautifully. He still calls Beckett "Buckett", and sings a little sing-song to him all the time that goes, "Hiiii, little Buckett! A wop-a-doop-a-luppet!" He's been warming up to the baby slowly, but he now likes to kiss Beckett on the head, and pet him. When we are driving in the car, he often calls to me from the back seat to tell me what Beckett is doing. When Beckett is crying, he will tell him, "You ok, little Buckett!"

Hank is growing up so much in his own right. Recently he has been really enjoying his scooter. We got him a bike helmet so he can scoot around the block, and darn it he is so cute! He is learning to spell words that interest him. He even blew our minds a few weeks ago when he pointed out a sign to us and said, "That says "NO!"", and he was right! He's really amazing!

But of course in the midst of all this maturity, I am also remembering the fact that he is still so young, too. I was so worried that the baby's birth would beat the last of the baby out of Hank, but it hasn't. I think sometimes we forget that he is still only three years old and being three comes with its own set of challenges. Most recently we've realized that Beckett's hospitalization really scared Hank terribly, and as a result he's become clingy and resistant to trying anything new. He wants to be home, preferably with us, all the time. But on the bright side he finally seems to be potty trained! Huzzah!!

I've had a few moments of wistful thinking about the fact that I'm never going to be pregnant again, never going to give birth again or have a baby again. Sometimes I look at Beckett and say, "we will never have anyone this small in the family again!" But my childbearing really is over, and by and large I am happy about that. I guess it is just the fact that we spent so much time in the conception and pregnancy mindset, that it has been strange to reset, and refocus, and start to let other things into my brainspace again. It is a good place to be. I like it.