Bringing home the bacon...

I've been back at work for a few weeks now, and I won't lie, there have been some really hard days, days when I find myself really questioning if it is all worth it -- building/having/starting a career, trying to have it "all" and not really even knowing what "all" is... Today was one of those days. I spent all day running to catch up and feeling like nothing I do is ever good enough, that work suffers, home suffers, nothing thrives the way it should or could. I put Hank to bed this evening and rested my hand on his tummy and he laid there looking up at me with his sweet, sleepy face and I just felt myself begging -- 'let me do right by you, little mister. I hope I do right by you.' Motherhood is a terribly challenging job. and sometimes I worry I'm not good at it.

***

April was a really fun month. We took a vacation! We've been places together before, but this was our first real family vacation. We roadtripped down the coast to San Diego, saw my sweet friend Jessica get married, and went east to the desert. Hank did great -- he was a real trooper. Considering how much time we spent in the car, he was remarkably pleasant and happy the whole time. Some favorite moments that I'm afraid I'll forget:

-- running on the beach in Cambria. Hank's first really trip to the beach. He flirted with the waves, dug in the sand, explored the seaweed, and ran and ran and ran. It was lovely.

-- hotels. Hank LOVES hotels! LOVES them. Loves jumping on the beds, playing with the fans, opening and closing the doors, fiddling with the corded phones.

-- Henry all dressed up. He wore a tuxedo to the wedding and looked dashing. It was nice to have a grown up, dressed up evening, leaving Hank with a sitter.

-- ice cream bar. In Borrego Springs, temperature 104 degrees, I left Hank and Henry in the car for a moment while I ran into a five and dime to buy a couple of postcards. It was soooo hot, and we had just completed a four mile hike to an oasis. we'd made one quick stop for popsicles already, and when I got back to the car, Henry had given Hank his ice cream bar. Needless to say, Hank and the carseat were both drenched in melted ice cream and Hank could not have been happier. Henry had even asked him at one point if he could have a bite, and Hank said "NO!"

-- driving to Big Sur through Fort Hunter-Ligget. This has got to be one of the most beautiful pieces of California, if not the entire United States and it is right in our back yard. You cut over to Hwy 1 from 101 right over the Los Padres mountains. We wound our way through these wonderful roads -- flowers and trees and streams and meadows, climbing all the while, when suddenly the earth just opened up and we were on top of the world -- all we could see in front of us and below was the Pacific Ocean and all we could think was "how in the world are we going to get down there from way up here??" It was amazing.

-- stopping in Julian, CA for lunch. This is a really cute, quaint little western town with lots of shops and restaurants on a main drag, very popular with bikers. we had lunch and then walked up the road a bit to meet a huge horse. I bent down to help Hank meet the horse and next thing I knew the horse had decided that my hair was lunch. Just a little scary. A moment later, it had decided that HANK'S hair was lunch!

-- Scripps Aquarium in San Diego. You have not experienced joy until you have visited an aquarium with a toddler. Sardines!! Sardines!!! Tide pool!!! TIDE POOL!! SARDIIIINES!! Oh he had so much fun he hardly knew what hit him.

There were so many other nice things that happened this April -- a lovely Easter Egg hunt out in Briones Regional Park with friends, a potluck dinner at Katie's, lots of lovely time with family, Henry's birthday, but a lot details have already slipped away. I wish I had more time to keep the blog up to date, but I guess this will have to do. I've taken tons of pictures, too. I just need to liberate them from my camera. Once I do, I'm sure they will bring back some of the memories that have already faded.

Round and round...

Merry Go Round, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

that's kind of how I felt this week -- on a revolving merry go round that would stop for a couple of hours at night for some sleep and then it was back up at the crack of dawn to catch the train into the city, get to work, and do it all over again...

the first week back at work went pretty well, I think. Everyone is friendly and the clients have interesting issues and problems and I was certainly good and busy. It was hard not being able to pick Hank up until 6 pm, though. He had some really long days in daycare.

But today was friday which meant funtime with mama. It was a really lovely day.

Some highlights:

1 -- first FIVE word sentence: I Want Make Car Go. He also said to us 'I want my Gitee (guitar)", and then followed me into the living room to retrieve it. Also, today was the first time that when I said 'Hi, Hank!' he responded by saying 'Hi!' instead of looking at me blankly, or saying 'bye bye' or 'no'.

2 -- first drink at Starbucks. He got a huge cup of milk. It had a lid, but unlike his sippy cups, when this one hit the ground, it was milk all over the place. Fortunately we were on the street, and not indoors. We were with my friends Erin and Wyeth and their awesome kiddos, and we were just cracking up. Hank started to cry and one of us shrieked 'don't cry over spilled milk!' and it was all over... we were cracking up! and then the kids were cracking up... it was so funny.

Actually, we spent two hours this afternoon just cracking up as we strolled up and down Solano Ave. I just love these ladies -- they are my Musketeers. We have such a good time together.

Shoebox

Hank has managed to cram himself into a shoebox. Cute!

March Wrap Up

Before we get much further into April that is....

First, I've got lots of new pictures to share but they are stuck in my camera. My laptop is dying a slow painful death, and I can't get it to stay turned on long enough for me to plug in my camera's memory card and download -- and the upload -- the photos to flickr. I'm so annoyed. Maybe it is time to revert to film and just get the pictured developed... I still haven't managed to make any progress on Hank's baby book, largely because I stilll haven't gotten all the pictures printed out. (this is a project I embarked on in OCTOBER... it is now APRIL... Maybe the longer I wait the less important it will become and I can just put it all in a shoebox and forget about it? Archiving in a digital age is tricky, for an old fashioned girl like me.). So, long story short, there are pictures, they are a-comin', just check back. When you do, you will see lovely pictures of my birthday, the new furniture set up in the apartment, and pictures of Hank exploring and exploring and exploring.

In news:

My 36th birthday has come and gone. I think this means that I have officially begun moving towards middle aged. Bleh. But what are you gonna do, right? Henry planned a really lovely day in Golden Gate park with a picnic at Stowe Lake, and trip in the the deYoung museum to take in the Warhol exhibit and a photography exhibit, and tea in the Japanese tea garden. Hank was with my parents. We went back to Oakland at dinner time and went to Holly's Mandarin (the BEST chinese food in the Bay Area), and my family joined us -- even Evan. It was such a great day.

I got a new job -- it starts on Monday. My dalliance with unemployment is over and back to the workforce I go. I admit to having lixed feelings about the whole thing. I think the job will be fine -- I'll be doing the same stuff I've been doing for the last several years, just somewhere else. The people all seem friendly enough. It is in the City. I just am a bix anxious of course about the impact of the schedule on our home life. It is still a part time job, but more hours than I was working when I got laid off, so Hank is going to be in day care for longer hours than he was before. I'm sure he'll do fine, but I'm going to miss him, and miss our afternoon playground runs, and I don't know when groceries are going to be bought or meals cooked, or mail responded to, stuff like that. I don't know when I'm going to get exercise, or have 45 minutes to myself, or practice ukulele, or make it to ukulele class. I don't know. I pretty much like my life the way it is and I hate changes, but here we go anyway. I'm just keeping an open mind, trusting that we'll be able to balance everything, and that we'll all thrive as a result.

Hank is so funny these days. He understands everything, knows who people are, and communicates so well. So, in Hank news.
1. Hank has discovered the Wonderful World of Condiments. I wish I had pictures of these two meals, but I don't so my memories will just have to suffice. On Thursday he discovered ketchup. He ate a whole plate of fries with ketchup. He kept dipping the fries in the ketchup and licking it off. Rinse and repeat. He was covered in ketchup and so, so happy. On friday night he discovered salsa. His kids meal at the local taqueria came with a small dish of fresh salsa. He locked on to this dish and kept scooping little bits out and eating it -- he ate the whole bowl of salsa that way, becoming increasingly giddy and happy with himself. By the end he had a beard made of cilantro, but by and large, all the salsa was consumed, along with most of a taco, beans, rice, and a slice of balogna. This is not a condiment, but he has also discovered apples and he looooves them, gets so happy when one is handed to him.

2. Hank has discovered how to make music. He strumms the guitar (which he calls a 'gitee'), plucks the ukulele, and bangs on his little piano. He is craaaazy for the gitee. I'm currently awaiting a box from Amazon containing Hank's very own gitee so we can stop worrying about him causing damage to Henry's!

3. We had an actual conversation yesterday! We were getting ready to leave Melissa's apartment where he'd been playing with Lillie and Liam, and it went something like this:
Me: Hank, I think it is time to go.
Hank: (waving at me) 'bye bye'
Me: do you want me to go home?
Hank: no
Me: do you want to go home?
Hank: no
Me: do you want to go home and see Daddy?
Hank: (with a goofy smile) Daaaaadddyyyy

He's also started to learn his ABCs which toally thorws me for a loop.

I guess that's enough for now. It is pretty hard to compress a month into one post, but at least I've managed to capture a little bit here. Hank is awake and has gone from babbling to whining and is now nearly crying so I think it is time to hit 'publish' and get up. Poor kid!!

Nap Time Blues (Mommy's, that is...)

Dear Hank --

Why. WHY? Why won't you nap at home? I've been hiding in the back, listening to you NOT nap for the last twenty minutes. Why do I have to put you in the car and drive you around to get a nap out of you? Why, when you are clearly tired and sleepy, won't you just lie down in your little bed and go to sleep right there? Why, why, why? I haven't got it in me today to drive around for twenty minutes and then be stuck in the car while you sleep for the next 90, so please oh please just fall asleep in your nice little crib and we can all just call it a day.

Love,
Mommy

Gata gata paragata*

Green Gulch Zen Center, Jizo Garden, originally uploaded by allthingssara.

*'Gone, gone, completely gone' -- part of the chant that accompanies the mizuko jizo ceremony.

Yesterday we went out the the Green Gulch Zen Center in Marin County for an afternoon mizuko jizo ceremony. This is a Buddhist tradition of remembrance for children who have either not made it into life or who have died shortly after being born. We went to put a 'close' on our own experience with the miscarriage in December.

It was a very quiet experience. It took place part in a yurt and part outdoors in a lovely garden. In the yurt there were altars with statues of deities from numerous religious and spiritual traditions whose purpose is to watch over children. In the yurt, two female priests dressed in flowing black robes led us through a period of quiet contemplation during which each participant created an offering to leave for Jizo, the buddhist deity in charge of lost children. They provided red cloth, rosemary (the herb of remembrance), fresh wildflowers, needles and thread, and other supplies that we used to make our offerings. We made offerings to Jizo and prayer sticks, that would later be hung in a tree for the wind to carry away.

I spent much of the quiet/creation time feeling somewhat disconnected to what I was trying to accomplish, but when it came time to leave our offerings, and the lovely priests led us in the chant that I quoted above, I finally felt a sense of release that I think I had been hoping to feel for months. The words 'gata gata paragata' -- 'gone, gone, completely gone' hit me deeply and I remembered looking at the ultrasound and just blurting out 'it's gone!' and the sadness that followed that knowing. But in feeling these words again, a sense of realization washed over me that this experience really had been completely beyond my control, and with that release came one last explosion of grief and then, as the priests led us all in a procession down to the jizo garden, a calm sense of peace, acceptance, and opening filled me.

We walked to the jizo garden, which was tucked away behind a stand of bamboo, nestled in among the zen center's rows of lettuce, beets, fruit trees, and other crops. As we walked, the priest at the front of the procession rang a singing bowl, and the other rang an enormous bell that was hanging from a tree that we passed by. We ended in the garden where we all left a second offering in a large tree that was strewn with past offerings, all slowly being scattered into the wind. The sun was at a perfect bright angle, and everything around us was blue and vibrant green, and we were remembering these losses in a place that was simply abundant with life, regeneration, and renewal. The earth at our feet was exploding in food.

The most poignant moment of all this for me was when we, as a procession, crossed a small bridge that covered a fast flowing stream, racing to the ocean. The sun was glittering on the surface of the water, making it silver. The crossing struck me deeply because of the buddhist tradition that we flow in and out of an ocean of life, for many years the ocean deposits us, wave by wave, and then for many years, it slowly sweeps us back. While I'm not a religious person, I really like this idea, and I was glad that the water figured into our experience.

I am so grateful that we went to this ceremony. Neither of us think very much of the miscarriage anymore, but clearly a closure of sorts was still useful for us both. I was so sad to see so many people there -- there were lots of heartbroken people with us in that yurt, and we couldn't help but wonder on the way home how many of them were there for losses like ours, and how many had actually lost a flesh and blood child? I can't imagine the pain, and I don't want to. But I do hope that those families have found some peace.

Busy Bees

Some highlights of the last few weeks (which have had us running around like chickens with our heads cut off)...

Yosemite
We managed to pull off one more weekend getaway with our friends Melissa, Emmett and their kids. Despite Hank having an ear infection and some truly horrific weather, we still managed to have a really lovely time. Yosemite Valley was still blanketed in snow from a storm a few days earlier, and there wasn't any rain on Saturday. So that afternoon we were able to take all the kids out for a brief hike (Hank cried the whole time, I felt terrible!!), and over to a fantastic sledding hill alongside the road up to Mirror Lake. The hill was crawling with sledders, and it was really fun to be out there. Hank wasn't sure at first what to make of the whole snow thing, but after a little time he realized that falling into it wasn't so bad, and if he picked up a chunk and chewed on it, it even soothed his poor little teething gums. So, in the end, snow was a hit.

My favorite part of the weekend came at the end of the afternoon when we were strolling the Village. Everyone else was in the bookstore, and I was pushing Hank around outside in his stroller. There was a commotion up ahead as people started darting across the path with their cameras out. I pushed Hank over to see what the fuss was and it was a large buck, with a beautiful rack of antlers -- something I'd never seen. The buck started moving towards a nearby meadow, and Hank and I followed quietly behind it, trying to get a better look. After a few minutes the buck stopped to munch at a bush, and Hank and I got to get a really good view. We were no more than 10 feet away from it, and we could even hear it chewing. Hank, who was pretty sleepy, lifted his hand and pointed at the buck, and then fell fast asleep. It was a nice little moment to share, just the two of us.

Haircut
So Hank finally got a real, big boy haircut. I'm going to try to rustle up a photo to put here, but long gone is the mop-top-fifth-beatle look. I was pretty sad when we got home from the haircut place, but the new cut has grown on me, and he looks cute as can be. And it is so much easier to wash.

Hugs
Hank gives hugs now!! It is so, so sweet, just melts me. ooo! I have waited so long for this, and it was worth it.

Swimming
I've been taking Hank to swimming lessons on and off since he was 6 months old and this weekend, for the first time, he actually seemed to like it! Usually he clings to me for dear life and it is a bit like taking a cat swimming. This time he really enjoyed himself and it was more like taking an otter swimming.

Teeth Watch
We're up to four, now. The fourth one came in while we were in Yosemite -- no wonder he was so upset on our hike, and was loving eating the snow...