Party Like it's 1999

Hank enjoying his party, originally uploaded by hjw3001.

So Hank's first birthday has come and gone. We had a party in Tilden park on Saturday and it was a blast. Hank was so, so happy and so many of the people who have been such an indispensable support to us through this past year were there -- many of them with their own babies. We celebrated with an eight foot long submarine sandwich, a lemon cake, and cupcakes in mint chocolate and spice. I was proud to have baked them all myself. We also had balloons, which were of endless fascination for Hank, bubbles, and small cups of snackies for all the little ones -- Teddy Puffs, Banana Crunchies, Cheddar Bunnies -- all of Hank's favorites! It was a really great day.

***

The past several days I've been recalling last year at this time -- how terrifying those first few days and weeks were, how strange and disorienting the nights were. I remember in those first few weeks Discovery Channel was showing a reality show about climbing Mount Everest, and I was obsessed with Mount Everest. I would sit in the green comfy chair in the dark, rocking and nursing Hank, burping him, singing him back to sleep, all the while watching episodes of the Mount Everest show. I remember waking to the sounds of Hank crying for milk or for a change and having to fight through a wave of anxiety as I stumbled down the short hallway to get everything prepared for the baby. I remember Henry and I would sleep in shifts -- one of us up with Hank while the other slept, and then we'd switch off around three in the morning. I remember lots of wonderful friends and family coming by with food and to help, and the gratitude I felt (still feel). I remember a cloud of sleeplessness and pain as I recovered physically from pregnancy and childbirth, and a sense that if we could just keep one step ahead, everything would be fine. I remember crying in the shower because I was just so worn out and didn't believe it would ever get any better. I remember worrying that Hank could be broken so easily -- that if bent the wrong way his tiny fingers might just snap off.

But I also remember the nightsweats easing off, and the anxiety lifting, and the terror subsiding. I remember that little by little we began to trust ourselves and to trust that Hank wasn't going to break or disappear, and as we started to believe that, we started to really enjoy being parents and being a family.

Thank goodness, or we may have had to send him back to the baby farm! (just kidding -- you are stuck with us, Hank! Stuck!)